A NEW THING...a journal entry

11/4/05

I am in this place of waiting. This place of absolute stillness. A stillness-almost like a void- that would frustrate me if I didn't have this deep sense of God working on something. He is up to something. Since my trip to Jekyll Island I have known He was doing something new.

Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past.

For I AM starting up a new thing. Now it is springing up.

Do you not perceive it?

I Am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland.

Is 41:18-19

Those were His words to me in the spring of this year. Those were His promises to my hurting heart. In the time that has passed since then I have been taken into a deeper relationship of faith and prayer. I guess I still don't see the "thing" that He is up to...but I have grown into this most awesome relationship with the Lord.. but, you know, that relationship just might be the very thing He was starting! How exciting is that? From where I'm sitting there really isn't anything I would trade today for the relationship that He has brought me to. I guess I would exchange y life with the Lord for my kids to have one like this with Him, but I rest in the truth that they belong to Him and no one can snatch them out of His hand. And they are in His hand.

So I sit still in my heart. A heart that used to cry out "Fix it!" and wonder at the things He is teaching me...knowing that He is God.

Be still and know that I AM God. (Ps 46:10)

10/26/07 This is the journal entry that caused me to start writing them on my blog. It's been almost 2 years to the day that I made this entry. Today I am absolutely sure of the "new thing", and while I rejoice in that deeper relationship He began to build with me in 2004, that was definitely the foundation of the things He has planned for me before time began. Not only do I SEE the new thing springing up, but I'm LIVING the new thing. Nothing short of raising my kiddos has brought me such joy.

LONELY....BUT NOT ALONE

Hesitation marks my heart this morning. As I've set out to share with you a life that has been changed, I wanted to share how God has meticulously done that. While my walk with my Lord has been over 20 years now, some things have been resolved only in the past 2 years or so. Of course, as it seems to be the way of God, He never reveals it all at once anyway, so it's understandable why it seems to take some things so long to surface and have resolution.
My hesitation comes from a couple of things really. First of all, journals are personal. I write things in them that I wouldn't necessarily share with friends and family. So to put it here makes me vulnerable to your judgement and criticism. Also, some of the entries involve my relationships with my family. While I would never knowingly publish anything that would be harmful to them, I never know how some things could impact them. And lastly, I think there is a certain level of protection in you not knowing my weaknesses. Or my struggles. Or my sin. But therein lies the reason for sharing. I think there may be one or two of you out there who look at me like I used to look at some of the older women in my first "believing" congregation. I knew I wanted to be them when I grew up. So if you want to be "like me" when you "grow up", I suppose it's helpful to know a bit of the entire story.
So I share this next journal entry hesitantly, but with the hope that you believe that God has a plan for YOUR life, just as He has one for mine. And so the story unfolds......
10/31/05
What is wrong with me Lord? Why do I feel so empty inside? Why so lonely? With all I have around me, why so alone? If it weren't' for my time with you each day I think I would loose it. What am I not doing right? What am I missing? I'm willing to do and to be what you want. I just don't want to be so lonely anymore. Isn't my marriage supposed to be more than this? Isn't there supposed to be a connection you can feel? I understand about love and commitment. I'm not talking fireworks here, Lord. I just want to belong...to somebody.....somewhere.
Isn't it enough that I belong to you, you ask? Your grace is sufficient for me, you remind me. Why does that stop the tears but not mend the brokenness? It brings comfort and assurance to know that I am yours. But there is still that longing in my soul to belong somewhere. To be important to someone. I'm sure this is where many long marriages end. I can see why. When you get old enough to see your kids off and running, starting new lives, new loves; leaving you behind in an empty world. One void of need for you.
What am I doing wrong? My days are filled with empty activities; conversations of a life that has passed me by. Absence of the kids really highlights the absence of ...whatever. The only thing that has strengthened over the last years is my relationship with you. I'm thankful for that. Without it things might be way different today.
Lord, I really want that deep relationship with my husband. I want that 'one-ness'....that if we parted I wouldn't feel like I couldn't go on. As it stands now I feel like he could definitely go on without me. Why is it like that? Where have we gone wrong? Why isn't he interested in being closer? He never ask me questions about why I'm hurting. Or why I'm lonely. I even told him yesterday that I was so lonely. And that I was hurting. He didn't even ask me why.
What is it you want from me Lord? You've taken me into this isolation chamber. It hurts to be alone. Even more so when there are people around me. What am I supposed to be doing? Waiting? Being still? I look to you for that power and that strength. It doesn't come easily to be still and wait. But I know you are God. I know that you know my heart. I know that you know how it hurts. I trust you with my heart like I trust you with the lives of my kids. Give me what I need to be still and wait. Peace. Comfort. Help me remember your promises O Lord. Search my heart and show me any evil ways inside me.. May my heart dwell in you all day, every day. I call upon you Lord to remove this cover of darkness, loneliness, emptiness today. Help me to do things today for you Lord and to find joy in the doing. IJN, Amen

Is Your Coat One Of Many Colors....a journal entry

10/24/05

I'm sure that Joseph and even his brothers saw what they did to him as evil. But maybe God didn't see it as evil. Our limited understanding of life in it's entirety from eternity to eternity will always sell us short. We see in Scripture that Joseph's brothers think about killing him. That did not happen. From that moment, and even before, God's plan had been put in motion. I don't think , well, maybe I think, that it's possible that God didn't see the brothers' actions as "evil", but as the method to get Joe to the position he wanted him. If there is a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, then it was necessary for Joe to experience every single thing he went through. Surely God could have elevated Joseph to that position without all the struggle, but would he have been the same kind of leader?

So when things around me look hopeless, a fear sets in because I don't understand- or when fear sets in because I think I do understand- maybe it's not evil at all. Maybe God is bringing circumstances into my life, and the lives of those I love, for a greater purpose.

My God is Josephs God.

My God is Jacob's God.

I will stand firm on my faith.

I will believe in what I don't see because of what I have seen.

• because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob


• because of the Shepherd


• the Rock of Israel


• because of the God who helps me


• because of the Almighty who blesses me: with blessings of the heavens above, blessings of the deep that lie below, blessings if the breast and womb.

My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from Him. He alone is my Rock and my Salvation. He is my Fortress. I will not be moved. Psalm 62:1-2

10/22/07 As I sit and ponder these journal entries of 2 years ago, I'm amazed at where I was and where I am. The two positions are so...well, so linear. I've never thought of life being linear but today from where I sit it is absolutely clear how God led me from there to here. It's pretty humbling to know that God's hand is at work in my life to such an extent. If you don't journal,I encourage you to do so. It's a remarkable journey when one chooses to walk with God. In His Care.....Judy

Monday Mornings...a journal entry

10/24/05

Another Monday morning...I love Monday mornings! Really! I'm going to spend extra time in prayer & study.... and it's cleaning day!!! I love to clean my house.... and do laundry. It's two of my fav's.

It's the beginning of a good week..or maybe a good beginning of the week. God has affirmed to me that He is at work. He is starting something new. Even though I only perceive His confirmations that He is up to something, I believe those confirmations....I believe His Word...so I'm waiting in expectation for its completion. I will not, however cease to pray. I will continue to seek God's wisdom, His ezer kenegdo, I will continue to seek His guidance and trust His promises.

Details.

He has proven to me that He is my God of Details.

Catch Them....a journal entry

10/23/05
There is so much I want to know. So many answers I would love to have. Trust. Dependence. Surrender. Some days are better than others.

• I refuse to give into disparity. I will not loose faith in the future. Turn my burdens into bridges.
• I refuse to loose faith in what I believe.
• I have to let go and trust in the providence of God. Aim them in the right direction and trust God.

The trapeze artists in the circus....there is always a flyer and a catcher. The flyer's job is to fly as high as he can and in one brief moment, when he reaches the highest point, he is totally still. His job, his part is over, now it's the catcher's job. God is the catcher. Point yourself in the right direction and trust God to catch you.

When everything looked bleak to Moses' parents, they hid him and protected him for 3 years. Then they set him afloat, in a basket, (in the very river that Pharaoh had ordered baby boys to be drowned in) --trusting their God (my same God of Detail) to catch him. When everything looked bleak to Moses' parents they hid him.....When things look bleak in the life of my kids, I hide them... in prayer. Moses' parents (or his sister who I'm sure must have been directed by her parents) watched him float down the river to the safety of the arms of the princess, the daughter of the Pharaoh. God used the house of Pharaoh, the very source of the danger, to 'catch' Moses. I've hid them, protected them and prayed for them....now I'm going to watch my kids float down the river of life and trust that God is going to catch them.

a Journal Entry......

I bring this to you with the hopes that her life will impact you the way it has mine. My prayer is that you will see the hand of God the way I do when I read it.....
10/19/05

It's a beautiful fall morning. Outdoors. But today I am changed.. Well, maybe not changed, yet, but when God reveals something deep in your soul, you can't go unchanged. You won't be the same. So I sit down this morning to put my thoughts on paper. For two reasons: 1) there are so many and they need some sort of organization in my head and 2) sadly, I have no one to talk to about it. But that's okay. God, through His grace and mercy, has brought me to this point and I have confidence that He will see me through as He works out the details. After all, he is my God of Details.

Where to begin. If you are reading this then you are most likely one of my children or grandchildren (oh my gosh!) No matter if you are male or female let me encourage you to read 'Captivating' by Stasi & John Eldridge. I will guard my copy for you--Suzanne & Leigh, I hope you have read yours. Anyway. God has used the experiences and the words in this book to show me a side of myself that He loves. So here I go. Trying to organize my thought to see what God wants me to do with them.

I've never felt very pretty. Never. Where did that come from? These things have come to my mind. This first few are very old memories from around age 5-7.



Age 5 I had a new outfit. It must have been the beginning of kindergarten (because I remember where we lived- heck, I remember being that little girl.) I couldn't, no, I wasn't more than 5 or 6. I had on my new red sweater, red plaid, pleated, wool skirt and red knee socks. My hair was long and curly. My mom had pulled it up into a half-pony tail and it (and my skirt :) bounced as I skipped from my bedroom, around the corner into the living room to show my dad how wonderful I looked in my new outfit. I'm not sure what he thought about the clothes, but I will never forget his words (I was 5 then and today I'm 51)---"You'll never be very pretty"...no, he said..."I guess you'll never be very pretty, will you?" I didn't skip back to change clothes. I no longer felt like bouncing. I remember hanging my head.



The second memory is a little more vague. Only because I think it happened more than once. Still it was before 5th grade that I can remember specific incidents but my heart tells me i heard this more than one time. Catalogs. What little girl didn't love looking at catalogs? I did. My mom bought my clothes through Sears and Penny's catalogs so each season, especially for new school clothes, we would sit down and wander through the latest edition-pause- I wonder why this is so hard to write? I can have the memories in my head but putting it on paper hurts. OK. We would look at the pages and I loved looking at the pretty dresses on the pretty young, blond models. I thought they were so pretty! I would point one out that I wanted and Mom would say...I can't pinpoint exact words-something about not looking at the girls- what looks good on them won't look good on me. I can, however, describe the exact feelings I had. They were blond, my hair was dark. they were skinny, I was fat. (Whether or not I was is still a question). My physical qualities just didn't measure up. I think that most of the clothes we ordered came off of the pages where there were no models.



The third thing I can recall specifically that impacted the way I saw myself physically happened during adolescence. Those awful years of self-discovery and identification. Dad is no longer in the picture. He's been gone about---(so many memories come flooding back when I think of his absence. At about age 10....maybe my 9th or 10th birthday, mom and dad were separated. Dad came to pick us up for a weekend visit-how awkward it was to spend the night with someone you didn't even know- & he was your dad! He brought me a gift. When I opened it, it was a set of 2 birds to hang on the wall.....pink, chalk cock-a-toos. To hang on a wall!!!! "He doesn't even know me well enough to buy a gift for me." That was my thought) But back to high school. Mom and Dad are divorced. Dad has been "out of residence" for about 3 or 4 years. And Mom, God love her, is trying to survive as a single mom in a couple's world. A lot of things went on during this time---I needed a 'mom' more than the 'friend' she wanted to be. But the incident, and this kind of thing happened on more than one occasion, the one I can really remember was being in a boutique with Mom while she was shopping for new clothes. Remember, I' m about 17. She was about 37. I'm in the shop with her and the sales clerk starts going on and on about how young she looked. How thin she was and how she looked like my sisiter instead of my mom. I don't think I was jealous of my mom (even though she accused me of that when I tried to share how it made me feel). I very quietly put what I needed from her away because I felt she needed and deserved this new life she had started. But, still, those kind of comments from outsiders cemented the strong belief I had that I wasn't very pretty. I distinctly remember thinking "Here I am the teenager and she's getting all the attention".

Through the years I can recall many incidents that provided confirmation in my mind of that first declaration regarding my beauty---the one from the only man in my life. So over the course of time I learned that if I couldn't be 'attractive' to people, if I wasn't lovable by sight then I could be lovable by what I could do for people. Be a helper!! Be good. Make good grades. Not give my mom any grief since my brother already provided enough of that. My mom needed a respite from struggling teens. I could do that. My dad needed me to love him in spite of his behavior. I could do that. M mom needed me to go to college and get a job I would be good at. I could do that. My first marriage was a need fulfilled...not necessarily mine. A heart had been broken and needed to be healed. I remember thinking I should get married because he was exactly the kind of man my mom wanted. (Suzanne, I know how this might make you feel but know that I am sitting here thinking of you. This doesn't mean I didn't love your dad. I did. The loss of our marriage was huge---a huge devastation in my life. I guess I thought he would always need me and one day I awoke and he didn't need me anymore)

I sit here and love my husband with all my heart. God has grown this marriage, this love, into something that I can't imagine, or ever want to live without. When our relationship first began, however, it ,for me, was need based. I thought he needed me. He was new to the area (well, not really, but I thought he was), he was very sad from the loss of a relationship that involved a child....and guess what? I could help him overcome that! He was newly sober (I could help him with that? Ha!) And he had very personal needs that I did help him with. He needed me for that, too. Then.



---Funny---when that 'need' was no longer there, that part of our live evaporated....



The same with friends.....good friends came with needs.

The same with ministry.....when I wasn't 'needed' anymore I moved on.

The same with....wait.....my kids! This has been the hallmark of my love of parenting. THEY NEEDED ME!!! They don't NEED me anymore. I see that it is also the main ingredient of my woes in empty nesting. They don't need me.

When being 'needed' has been the foundation of our life for so long, where do you go when you are no longer needed? If you equate who you are and how much you are loved, even your very value, with how much you're needed, where is there to go when you no longer perceive your need?

If I could identify, and now I can sort through the whys, the one thing that keeps me so emotionally separated from my husband , it would be my deep seated desire to be needed. And he has to be one of the most ferociously independent people I know. I've always felt that he doesn't really need me. That probably any woman could step into my role here at home and he would be content (that does make me cry however). But I've never fully understood how I've operated my life from the standpoint of how much I'm needed. This is huge for me. We all need a reason to be loved and since I wasn't going to be loved and sought after for my beauty then I would take care of people. Then I would be loved. Proof was in the pudding. I have always felt loved because I helped people. When I could no loner help, I moved on. Looking for love...maybe ,more like loooking for validaiton. If people needed me and I could help, then I was valuable. If I wasn't needed..if I'm not needed, then of what value am I?

So that's where I stand today. That little girl who was told that she would never be very pretty, has spent a lifetime looking for value in being needed. God says there is much more. My tomorrows are going to be different than my yesterdays. I'm looking down a path from a crossroad.

• My kids no longer need me like they used to.


• I probably don't see how Hubby really does love me.


• My friendships with other women changed dramatically when Rachel moved (how? you might ask....there haven't been any -none that I let in that close.)

I sense that God is up to something (Isiah 41:18 & 19). I think my life is about to be changed. I don't hold any bitterness or resentment toward my parents. I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. God has been so good to me and has built a life for me and my family that is far sweeter than I could have ever dreamed or imagined---in spite of myself. And I thank Him for it daily.

Today, hoverer, is a new day. I'm asking Him to reveal to me the woman He created me to be, to release me from the burden of needing to be needed; from the burden of finding my value in how and how much I am needed. I want to see myself as He sees me. To be all He created me to be. I don't have to be needed to be of value. After all, God does not need me but He valued me enough to die for me.

I love your, Lord Jesus. Who am I that you would care to know my pain? Who am I that you would care about my life? Who am I that before I ever knew you, you would sacrifice your Son for me? I open my heart to you Lord, To see my errors. Willing to be purified. Ready to have the old swept away. Humbly waiting for your truths that will continue to change my life. Help me to see clearly your truths so I can walk in your way. Give me a heart for you that every movement , every beat, pleases you. And give me a hunger for you love and encourage my love for you to grow. I pray that those I come in contact with will see you in me as evident as white tennis shoes in Paris. I love you Lord and I praise you for what you are eoing in the lives of myself and my family. IJN, Amen

A Tapestry

In my quiet time this morning, here in cold, wet Kirksville, God used an old song, a favorite of mine when I was in high school (like I said....old) to explain to me why people I love sometimes seem to struggle the way they do....even after they give their lives to Him.



I guess it came about because I slept so well last night. I know that sounds funny but I have had trouble sleeping lately. Two nights in the last 3 or 4 months I slept straight through the night. Last night I slept, oh, maybe 10 hours or so....straight. No waking up. Not much tossing and turning for that matter. The only thing I can attribuite it to was going the entire day without....well, I guess it boils down to not worrying about those Jewels who are under the watchful eye of the Diamond Cutter. I would have sworn to you that I wasn't worried....but I must be to some extent. But this is what I came to this morning.



Even though we are all in the plan of God...He promises He has a plan for us....and that plan is to bring Him the glory and honor that alone is His, even though we are all included.....we all look different.....our lives are different and our experiences are different.....even our individual surrenders are different. Like our different lives, in all the vastly different "testimonies" we have, all of our surrenders are different. And they have to be different because all of them together make up a tapestry of what God is doing. Kind of like that ad (i'm not sure what company it is) where hundreds of small individual pictures are placed together, side by side, and create one big picture.



So the lyrics come from a Carole King song.....and here are the words that came to me this morning..

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue

An ever changing vision of the ever changing view.

A wonderous woven mgic in bits of blue and gold

A tapestry to feel and see....impossible to hold.

A tapestry. That's what it is. With color and texture. God is weaving us together...weaving us individually first and then as His Church. So all the bends and turns in our lives, both the good and the bad, are part of the texture of who we are.



Would I rather those I love not have the pain? Absolutely. But I believe that God is using that pain to create a tapestry of His love and His grace....His power to rescue and restore. The pain gives the tapestry texture. I'm sure He would want that not one of His children suffer pain, but I'm positive He uses it.



Today I'm trusting that the pain I see has a purpose and that it will show itself as a intircate part of the life He is weaving. I'm not going to worry again for His Jewels. I'm there when He wants to use me and I'm watching the Master Weaver at work. How exciting. I know they belong to Him and no one is going to snatch them out of His hand



I praise God this morning for His care for my heart as I look to Him for guidance and direction. And if God has crossed your path with mine, know that I love you and want all He has for you. I also understand that God is weaving in His time table not my own. I love you all with my heart and soul........

He moved with some uncertainty as if he didn't know,

Just where he had come from

Or where he ought to go.

Once he reached for something gold and hanging from a tree,

And his hand came down empty.

Soon within my tapestry along the rutted road

He sat down on a river rock, and turned into a toad.

It seemed that he had fallen into someone's wicked spell.

And I wept to see him suffer, though I didn't know him well.

The work has begun. Let's see what God is doing.

a Letter from God to You, His Child

You've got the whole world on your shoulders,

And it's more than you can bear.

I hear you calling for some help,

But is there anybody there?

Well I'm here to let you know

This was never meant for you.

I know what you are going through.

Come to me weary now

I will lay you down.

Throw all your cares aside.

You will never be denied

Come set your burden free,

You will be safe with Me.

Come to Me weary now,

I will lay you down.

So don't you worry 'bout a thing

I'm gonna get you through the night.

I know you're scared,

But it's gonna be all right.

And if you wake before the light

Don't be afraid.

Just call My Name

I'll hear you pray.

I'm on My way.

Everything's all right

'Cause I AM on your side.

And if you need to, you can hide in Me

'Cause all you need to know

I would never let you go

I'm the Lover of your soul.

words and music by Brandon Heath & Dave Franco

from album "Don't Get Comfortable"

A Self Portrait! YIKES!

What would someone want to know about me? What can be expressed about me in a photograph? Of all my years of taking pictures (mmm...seriously for about 28), you won't find me in too many of them. Mounds of wonderful scrapbooks for my 3 kiddos and many given away to friends but not many of the photographer. So now I sit looking at a class assignment of a Self Portrait...something that would tell a viewer something about me.

How do you do that when so much of who you are and what you do is intricately woven with an unseen God? Creator of the universe and Shepherd of my heart, but unseen non the less. Apparently people I know and love can see Him in me...or so I've been told. But how does one capture that on film? There are lots of things I could "do", I suppose, to let people in on my daily life. I could cleverly arrange my scrapbook stuff or stand on a chair and take a bird's eye view of the mounds of scrapbook paper I have. Or I could take a picture of my study desk that is covered with prayer journals, study books and different Bible translations. But that is not at all who I am. What I am, who I am is found on a level deep in my heart and just can't be photographed.

So what about this assignment? Maybe I won't be able to show who I am, but just what I do. Maye this time I have to settle for surface stuff. I'm about being totally real but I just can't figure out how to speak through a photograph about what is real with me.

Part of the assignment is about me, I have to be in the frame or at least something related to me (i.e scrapbooks) but the other part has to be about other people in my life....sooooooo....if you are out there and you know I love you (you all know who you are :) don't be dismayed that I have a camera in my hand....for the next 2 weeks you will probably see it....work with me here folks...I will be shooting off frames as much as possible. One thing I have learned is you MUST shoot about 66 frames to get 2 or 3 good shots.

If you have any good ideas about what a self portrait of me would look like I would love to entertain your suggestions. I'm pretty open here since I don't have a clue.

Have a 100% day (I love you KS so expect to see the lens uncovered) and smile....you may be on candid camera!

Judy