Hesitation marks my heart this morning. As I've set out to share with you a life that has been changed, I wanted to share how God has meticulously done that. While my walk with my Lord has been over 20 years now, some things have been resolved only in the past 2 years or so. Of course, as it seems to be the way of God, He never reveals it all at once anyway, so it's understandable why it seems to take some things so long to surface and have resolution.
My hesitation comes from a couple of things really. First of all, journals are personal. I write things in them that I wouldn't necessarily share with friends and family. So to put it here makes me vulnerable to your judgement and criticism. Also, some of the entries involve my relationships with my family. While I would never knowingly publish anything that would be harmful to them, I never know how some things could impact them. And lastly, I think there is a certain level of protection in you not knowing my weaknesses. Or my struggles. Or my sin. But therein lies the reason for sharing. I think there may be one or two of you out there who look at me like I used to look at some of the older women in my first "believing" congregation. I knew I wanted to be them when I grew up. So if you want to be "like me" when you "grow up", I suppose it's helpful to know a bit of the entire story.
So I share this next journal entry hesitantly, but with the hope that you believe that God has a plan for YOUR life, just as He has one for mine. And so the story unfolds......
10/31/05
What is wrong with me Lord? Why do I feel so empty inside? Why so lonely? With all I have around me, why so alone? If it weren't' for my time with you each day I think I would loose it. What am I not doing right? What am I missing? I'm willing to do and to be what you want. I just don't want to be so lonely anymore. Isn't my marriage supposed to be more than this? Isn't there supposed to be a connection you can feel? I understand about love and commitment. I'm not talking fireworks here, Lord. I just want to belong...to somebody.....somewhere.
Isn't it enough that I belong to you, you ask? Your grace is sufficient for me, you remind me. Why does that stop the tears but not mend the brokenness? It brings comfort and assurance to know that I am yours. But there is still that longing in my soul to belong somewhere. To be important to someone. I'm sure this is where many long marriages end. I can see why. When you get old enough to see your kids off and running, starting new lives, new loves; leaving you behind in an empty world. One void of need for you.
What am I doing wrong? My days are filled with empty activities; conversations of a life that has passed me by. Absence of the kids really highlights the absence of ...whatever. The only thing that has strengthened over the last years is my relationship with you. I'm thankful for that. Without it things might be way different today.
Lord, I really want that deep relationship with my husband. I want that 'one-ness'....that if we parted I wouldn't feel like I couldn't go on. As it stands now I feel like he could definitely go on without me. Why is it like that? Where have we gone wrong? Why isn't he interested in being closer? He never ask me questions about why I'm hurting. Or why I'm lonely. I even told him yesterday that I was so lonely. And that I was hurting. He didn't even ask me why.
What is it you want from me Lord? You've taken me into this isolation chamber. It hurts to be alone. Even more so when there are people around me. What am I supposed to be doing? Waiting? Being still? I look to you for that power and that strength. It doesn't come easily to be still and wait. But I know you are God. I know that you know my heart. I know that you know how it hurts. I trust you with my heart like I trust you with the lives of my kids. Give me what I need to be still and wait. Peace. Comfort. Help me remember your promises O Lord. Search my heart and show me any evil ways inside me.. May my heart dwell in you all day, every day. I call upon you Lord to remove this cover of darkness, loneliness, emptiness today. Help me to do things today for you Lord and to find joy in the doing. IJN, Amen
