Changing Times

Times they are a-changing. It's about 5:30 in the morning and I've been up most of the night...again. Continuous sleep eludes me. At least 25 years ago there was a precious purpose to being awakened several times a night. Now it's just a pain. So go the times, I guess.

I don't know what brings me here this morning...except that to go downstairs would awaken a daughter and 2 little girls under the age of 5 and I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that yet this morning. So I came to the computer (in this completely destroyed scrapbook room) to find out the symptoms of walking pneumonia (another reason I may not be sleeping this week). Don't think I have that, but severe sinusitis, probably. So, going through my bookmarks I'm reminded that I, myself, have a blog! Thought I'd check it out and see how long it had been and what I was up to "back then". My last post was June...but was that 6/08 or 6/07??? Hm. But regardless, these changing times are causing havoc in a lot of my life. Some destructive havoc, and some God havoc that always results in growth and transformation.

I'm learning to play Grandma...sort of. Sitting next to me is a stack of "stuff" that Lillie calls her craft boxes. We do crafts together. With me working on so much wedding stuff it just seems natural for her to have her own little set up. She opens the TV table and brings down her boxes of markers, stamps and paper and we have a good ole time. Give the child some paper, scissors, and crayons and she will be content for HOURS! Sometimes I get very few wedding things accomplished because she likes to have my undivided attention. She's been making "stuff" for the wedd-en. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it really. I mean last night she took and entire pad of small post-it notes (which I would have NEVER let my kids do) and numbered them from 1 to whatever and put them in a container and said "these are fo the wed-en. We have to give one to evey purson" .... ok...so remind me....when she shows up at the wedd-en, will she really be looking for those things????? Like I said..I'm LEARNING to be a grandma. Most of the stuff she has made for the wedd-en has married the trash can. This could be a catastrophe. I'll have to get some sort of plan into action. Hmm. Any comments or ideas would be helpful.

I keep looking for the sun to come up but the street lights are still bright so it must not be a Jimmy Dean morning. Perhaps I'll try for a couple of hours more sleep. Who knows.

REST

That was a really tough month. Whew. Glad it's over. Here are my text notes after it all:

Pruning ------------------Winds
Dolby Surround sound -----Armour
Firey Arrows -------------Prayer Warrior
Camera Angles ------------Tree Roots
Storms -------------------Attachment
Planting vs uprooting-----Streams

If you know me at all you can probably identify all of those items in my experiences. If not, well, you can guess....but I would have never been able to put the pieces together if I hadn't lived it myself. I still have a tough time putting it all together to make any sense of it.

Right now, I'm "soaking my feet" in the immeasurable bounty of God's love and faithfulness. These feet have been marching on a battlefield as of late. For today, these things are past. For today, God has granted me not only a deeper view of Himself, but also of myself. A battle for exactly what, I'm not sure yet. It could possibly have been just for my peace of mind, but I think there was more. I may never know for sure because I believe I stood firm...stood the test.

If I were a word-smith, as some bloggers I know are, I would write it all down and have your full attention. I would tell you the incredible tale of where I've been and I could write of the unbounded mercies of a loving, powerful and protective God. However, it would have to include the hard work, the commitment it takes to stand firm, to prepare for battle. In the end the story would end with these words:

peace like a river--------- joy set before me
promises kept --------------confidence
intimacy -------------------experiential knowledge
and lack of the right words

What a peaceful place on this porch, resting my feet in the joy of the Lord. The sounds of the birds are a symphony and the bending & swaying of the trees in so longer a replica of my struggle, but in fact, a soothing massage to my soul.

Rest....aaahhhhh.

Today

I'm tired today. It might be because of that long, long drive from Mankato, MN yesterday (if you like....farmland...take a long drive through the state of Iowa). But I think I'm tired from other things as well.
I'm tired of the rain.
I'm tired of the cold.
I'm tired of watching softball in football weather.
I'm tired of walking on eggshells.
I'm tired of always saying something wrong.
I'm tired of my heart hurting.
I'm just tired.
I want to crawl in a hole with my Friend and spend the week.
A nice warm, dry, sunshiny week.
I'm tired of ants.
Of messy bathrooms and unmade beds.
Why doesn't this craft room stay straightened?
Why does the wireless Internet thingy continue to not want to co-operate????
Why does the price of fuel continue to soar?

I know there is an absolute truth in the Word that I should be focusing on.
I know there is a way out from under these trials...God promises there is.
But today? I'm also tired of trying to work at resting in Him.
Today I'm just gonna be tired. I'm gonna give myself permission to not make the bed (oh, wait, I already did that)
Today I'm gonna give myself permission to let the ants have a party. (Oh, wait, I've already done that)
Well, today I'm just not going to use the Internet...oh, bummer (I'm already doing that)

Shoot. Today. It's half over. I'm going for a run. Maybe I'll feel better when I get back.

More and Less

During my study of Samuel this morning , I think God has revealed a truth that may escort me through this new phase of parenting that I find myself in.

When Samuel died, there was no big event commemorating his life. Scripture just say "he died...he was buried". Some mourning is recorded, but for a man of God who loved his people all his life; who prayed for them, taught them, interceded for them, a simple "he died" seems, oh....so ordinary. But then the author of this study pointed me to
John 3: 22-36. Some of John the Baptist's disciples were questioning why people were now turning to Jesus for baptism instead of him. John's answer was simple and to the point: "He must become greater. I must become less."

That struck me since I just had a conversation with one of those 3 that I love, pray, teach and intercede for. In order for God to become to them what He is to me, I must decrease. There is a point where there can be no one standing between them and God. Not even me. Wow. And if you get to the bottom of my heart, my prayer for them is and has been that they would know God in the way that I know Him....with no one standing in the way.

I'm on it. Thanks, God, for your unending attention to the details.

It Happened on the Mound

Funny thing, LIFE.

As I spent the day in Kansas watching softball in 35 degree weather, maybe it was 40 but it was still cold. I wonder why I would do such a thing....drive 5 hours by myself to a rather, oh, dreary looking town from what I can see....to stay in a hotel that, well, let's just say isn't one I would have chosen myself, but then that is a whole new post. And then to sit outside for about 4 hours clothed in layers and wrapped from head to toe in a queen size very thick bedspread to watch what normal people would call a summer sport. The answer became very clear when I realized that I had watch the young woman on the mound grow up on the mound. I was astounded to realize what has happened to her over the years. Yes. She has grown up. So smart and so strong...both physically and spiritually, so full of and the desire to do the right things; wanting to grow up but knowing that means facing a lot of unknowns.

Funny thing, LIFE.

As I spent the day in Kansas watching softball in 35 degree weather, maybe it was 40 but it was still cold. I wonder why I would do such a thing....drive 5 hours by myself to a rather, oh, dreary looking town from what I can see....to stay in a hotel that, well, let's just say isn't one I would have chosen myself, but then that is a whole new post. And then to sit outside for about 4 hours clothed in layers and wrapped from head to toe. And in the same 24 hours I got a phone call from my first born as she and her fiancee were, if you can believe it, stealing hidden Easter eggs from an anticipated hunt...they were laughing and ribbing each other....it was the neatest thing to see her stepping into the next phase of her life with a young man that we could not have special ordered any better for her. (Not that I was necessarily proud of her for stealing Easter eggs....they did check out the hunt and it was for adults and they were going to pay the fee and join in legally.) In the same 24 hours I was praying for my son, who at 19 (well, he'll be 20 in a few weeks) was giving a message at our church service....WOW.

LIFE .

It seems to have passed so quickly. Not that it's over by any means. We still have college graduations and weddings and grandchildren to love if God wills it so. But I can't help but stop today and think about my life. The trials and the blessings. Hmmm...sometimes those have butted up next to each other.
I don't really know that I have any place to go with this. I'm sitting in dark hotel room. The tv is off. The air conditioner is on. Steph is asleep. Good friends are playing washers out in the atrium in front of my room. And oh, I just signed up for Facebook and had a tutorial from Steph on how to maneuver things there. Why? I guess it's just LIFE. Will I spend much time on Facebook? I seriously doubt it. But it did give me an hour or so of undivided time with my daughter. It did give us cause to laugh. And I did get to "poke" Zachary. I'm pretty sure that gave him a laugh. I got to post pictures in an album labeled "My Fam-the people I love most" for all my friends to see.

Is that what living life to the fullest is? Is that part of the abundant life Jesus promised me? Facebook? Washers? Softball? Friends? Laughter? Sons? Daughters? Spouses? Tonight I think so.

My LIFE is good. The blessing are too numerous to count.

A "Touchy" Subject

OK. so here's one for you.

For the past week or so, I've had...motivation to dive into the Word about sex. Outside of and in marriage. The authors have a strange way of talking about the same act in different contexts...with different words....then English translations have their own set of words for different accounts...it was all pretty confusing. I have spent hours doing word searches, verse comparisons, word comparisons....language comparisons, like Hebrew and Greek, then Hebrew and English, then Greek and English. And even English and English! My notebook is filled with definitions and random thoughts (some of them possibly not so random as they seemed). It's loaded with word searches and comparisons till I finally got to the place that if I had to try to find something in my notes I would need a GPS to find it!


After all my searching I would like to tell you that I had discovered THE verse that answered my questions but this is what I actually came away with. I hope readers will find it as interesting a thought as I did.

• First of all, Satan is crafty. Way craftier than we give him credit for, I'm afraid.


• Secondly, God, in His infinite wisdom created sex for not only our pleasure but as a binding agent. It's what makes two one...and mystery that we don't understand.


• third...that marriage, where 2 are mysteriously intertwined as one by the act of sexual intercourse, is in fact the intended reflection of Christ and His Church.

So my thoughts are this...Satan's attempt at disarming that which was intended to reflect God is his main focus. His main objective would then be to reduce sex to a base need of man...a menial part of our existence. Even a recreation.

I spoke earlier of Satan's craftiness. And here is where my winning thought of the day comes in. When we are young (especially today, in our society where the truth has been so whitewashed if not blotted out) Satan convinces us that our value is dependent on our attraction to and by the opposite sex, and it comes in various forms:

• you're not a man if you haven't had sex


• no boy is going to date you if you don't "put out"


• you must have sex with him if you intend to keep him


• you're value as "one of the guys" is how many girls you've slept with

I'm sure you could come up with some of your own.

Then as a married couple the lies come at us in these forms:

• she's says she has a headache because she's really not interested in you any longer


• the grass is greener on the other side of the fence


• if he really loved me he would care more about my needs


• all he wants me for is sex

Again, you could probably add to the list.

Then there are the lies that Satan aims at those who may have lived a particularly promiscuous life:

• You are used


• who would want to be with you


• you'll never find a man to love you with your past

and I think maybe those thoughts are aimed mainly at women....I haven't had much conversation with men about their sex lives. :)

so this is what I put together about Satan's craftiness that we just seem to miss.

He has convinced us that we aren't desirable if we don't have sex outside of marriage...the marriage bed sucks (pardon my language)...and if you've had sex outside of marriage you aren't worthy. Wow. Has he got the wool pulled over our eyes! I was dumbfounded with the level of darkness he has covered us in. Are we that stupid that we aren't putting the pieces together? How can a person be undesirable if they don't have sex and that same person be used if they do???? Think about it.

Waiting and Watching

It's been a long time since I've been here. Possibly because I have only time to check e-mails and run. Possibly because nothing has been going on. (Ha) But more than anything I think God has been positioning me towards some new things, some deeper level things. Maybe. But I thought that today, before I headed to the doldrums of payroll and bills I would reflect to myself about where my heart is and where it feels like it's headed. Probably more for me than for anyone else who might have an interest in my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I were a great writer...like the author of www.fogparty.blogs.com . I like Steve's description...he is a "wordsmith". I like that. I would love to be a "wordsmith", then I could truly grasp my feelings and put them into words...so hard to do sometimes.

I'm peaceful today (cold but peaceful). I wasn't so much so yesterday. Struggling, you know, with the realities of life. One would think after 53 years the realities of life would be pretty obvious. I suppose different life stages bring different realities.

I love being a wife and mom. I've said it before and I imagine you could probably expect to see it on my tombstone..."She loved being a wife and mom more than life itself." Perhaps women with careers, have distractions when their role as a mom takes on a different parameter. And I think I've adjusted well (not easily, mind you) to the differing "needs" of my kids. But I find myself at another crossroads...that being having to look sin square in the face....their sin. Knowing the mistakes they are making and having to sit and watch it happen. Deciding how you are going to handle things when the chips fall ....and having a pretty good idea of where that is going to be. They aren't necessarily listening, well, maybe they listen but are not hearing, your admonishments and you KNOW when the chips fall, they will be at your side for comfort. This is hard. But the real test for me here, and I find God "testing" me a lot these days...is knowing what God wants from me.

I learned that things don't always seem as they appear. That while things may look like "nothing" is happening or the "wrong things" are happening, God is working behind the scenes to accomplish something much bigger than I could dream or imagine. So one of my struggles is "waiting". Waiting is not something I do with ease, nor is it my first inclination. Nor, as I think about it, do I particularly enjoy it. So now not only am I having to wait, but I'm also denying myself(...who needs fasting when you have to wait????). And I don't think I am waiting solely on what God is going to do....but waiting on what God wants me to do for Him....or better...waiting to find out what God wants to do through me. Maybe it's nothing but to wait. To not get in His way...I've certainly gotten in His way with surprising ease.

So today, I think peace stems not from conclusions, or answered prayers, or repentant children, but from the experiential knowledge I have that God is at work. Acceptance of the fact that things not looking as I expect them or prefer them IS the way God intends them. After all, our lives are for His purposes not our own. So while I'm in the middle of watching one I love potentially make some pretty costly decisions, I am experiencing that peace that surpasses understanding.

I continue to...I'm looking for the right word......surround is not strong enough...steep is not deep enough... I continue to wage this war for the lives of my children and husband in prayer...prayer of the Word back to it's Author...claiming for them His promises and His attributes...standing in the gap for them as Moses did for his self-described "stiff-necked" people. Waiting, yes, waiting for the Author of our lives to fill me in. And I watch with anticipation. For if He calls me to do something, it will be something new and I will gain a deeper level of understanding and love for Him. If He calls me to wait and watch, I get the same results...how can I loose?

For the Jewels in my life

I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid.
But you were there with me.
Yes, you were there with me.

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way.
But you were there with me.
Yes, you were there with me.

Until you opened up my eyes
I never knew,
That I couldn't ever make it without you.

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
You're the One who's gone before me,
You will help me carry on.

And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth.
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.

And as I travel on the road
That you have led me down,
You are here with me
Yes, you are here with me.

And I have need for nothing more
Now that I have found
That you are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.

I confess from time to time
I loose my way
But you are always there to bring me back again.

Even though the journey's long,
And I know the road is hard,
Well, the One who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
Now I realize the truth,
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
All I have and all I possess,
Nothing can quite compare with
What's in front of me,
Yea, what's in front of me

Even though the journey's long,
And I know the road is hard,
You're the One who's gone before me
You will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.

I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid
But you are here with me,
You are here with me.

Yes, I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.
Third Day