Gosh, it's been a long time.... Our lives have totally changed for sure. My last post was in January '09? I had just gained 2 son-in-laws. Since then our family of 7 has been impacted by marital stresses, miscarriages, untimely pregnancies, adult children moving home, hospitalizations, surgeries, and children choosing to walk outside the will of God. Most of my tears and fears have been recorded in a journal hence no posts. I probably wouldn't have recorded most of that online anyway. It was way too hard.
But, as always, God has had His way in my life. I sure wish I could have learned these lessons without all this, for sure. But I've learned that God is good, even when things don't look good. In fact, when circumstances don't look good, He is up to something good. I'm seeing a few good things come about. I'm patiently awaiting the others. And that is one lesson I'm learning. Patience. Waiting on God. In my care group I sort of make a joke about it by saying that God has instructed me to "sit down and shut up". That is my loose translation of "Be still and know that I am God". I'm learning. My heart is learning to be still in the midst of the sunami of trials we have had to face this year. (I say "sunami" because the afore mentioned list took place in 9 short months.)
So I sit here tonight, switching back and forth between the NLCS and the Mizzou/OK game, listening to the voices of my 2 granddaughters downstairs, thinking about what a blessing my life really is. In spite of the trials. And most likely because of the trials. God is definitely good. Faithful. I not only trust that God is going to do what He promised, but I BELIEVE He will do what He promised.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Monday, January 19, 2009
The River or The Banks?
It's pretty simple, really. When I think about creation, how it might have looked, the Garden and all....I can't help but think about us. About mankind. About exactly how and why we were created. I suppose I learned a long time ago that man was created to worship God....to praise Him. However, it has just come to my realization that there is something deeper there than the obvious. Yes. We were created to worship and praise God, but what exactly does that mean?
Let's take, oh a fish, for instance. Pretty simple creature from our perspective. Swims all day. Looking for something to eat. Eats what was intended for him. And he lives where he was intended to live. In the water, right? Take a fish out of the water and he perishes. He might flap around a little while on the river bank, but eventually that which he was not created for gets the best of him.
So, I think it is with us. If, in fact, we were created to walk and talk in the garden with the Creator, anything short of that will get the best of us. Soooo...when we live lives that are absent of praise, worship, trust and a dependence on God, we walk a life contrary to what we were created for. And there we are flapping around on the banks of life trying to do it our way. All kinds of things creep in...worry, fear, anxiety, control....like I said, flapping around on the banks of life. Created to be a faith based person, that's the answer. That's who we are, who we are intended to be.
I'm not sure there is any lofty spiritual conclusion here. Just a little truth that might make a big change in my day to day dealings with the world around me. As a fish, I would be happiest in the river...as a human being I don't want to be flapping around, either. So off I go to the garden that God created me to live in....faith, trust, dependence on Him.
Let's take, oh a fish, for instance. Pretty simple creature from our perspective. Swims all day. Looking for something to eat. Eats what was intended for him. And he lives where he was intended to live. In the water, right? Take a fish out of the water and he perishes. He might flap around a little while on the river bank, but eventually that which he was not created for gets the best of him.
So, I think it is with us. If, in fact, we were created to walk and talk in the garden with the Creator, anything short of that will get the best of us. Soooo...when we live lives that are absent of praise, worship, trust and a dependence on God, we walk a life contrary to what we were created for. And there we are flapping around on the banks of life trying to do it our way. All kinds of things creep in...worry, fear, anxiety, control....like I said, flapping around on the banks of life. Created to be a faith based person, that's the answer. That's who we are, who we are intended to be.
I'm not sure there is any lofty spiritual conclusion here. Just a little truth that might make a big change in my day to day dealings with the world around me. As a fish, I would be happiest in the river...as a human being I don't want to be flapping around, either. So off I go to the garden that God created me to live in....faith, trust, dependence on Him.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Changing Times
Times they are a-changing. It's about 5:30 in the morning and I've been up most of the night...again. Continuous sleep eludes me. At least 25 years ago there was a precious purpose to being awakened several times a night. Now it's just a pain. So go the times, I guess.
I don't know what brings me here this morning...except that to go downstairs would awaken a daughter and 2 little girls under the age of 5 and I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that yet this morning. So I came to the computer (in this completely destroyed scrapbook room) to find out the symptoms of walking pneumonia (another reason I may not be sleeping this week). Don't think I have that, but severe sinusitis, probably. So, going through my bookmarks I'm reminded that I, myself, have a blog! Thought I'd check it out and see how long it had been and what I was up to "back then". My last post was June...but was that 6/08 or 6/
07??? Hm. But regardless, these changing times are causing havoc in a lot of my life. Some destructive havoc, and some God havoc that always results in growth and transformation.
I'm learning to play Grandma...sort of. Sitting next to me is a stack of "stuff" that Lillie calls her craft boxes. We do crafts together. With me working on so much wedding stuff it just seems natural for her to have her own little set up. She opens the TV table and brings down her boxes of markers, stamps and paper and we have a good ole time. Give the child some paper, scissors, and crayons and she will be content for HOURS! Sometimes I get very few wedding things accomplished because she likes to have my undivided attention. She's been making "stuff" for the wedd-en. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it really. I mean last night she took and entire pad of small post-it notes (which I would have NEVER let my kids do) and numbered them from 1 to whatever and put them in a container and said "these are fo the wed-en. We have to give one to evey purson" .... ok...so remind me....when she shows up at the wedd-en, will she really be looking for those things????? Like I said..I'm LEARNING to be a grandma. Most of the stuff she has made for the wedd-en has married the trash can. This could be a catastrophe. I'll have to get some sort of plan into action. Hmm. Any comments or ideas would be helpful.
I keep looking for the sun to come up but the street lights are still bright so it must not be a Jimmy Dean morning. Perhaps I'll try for a couple of hours more sleep. Who knows.
I don't know what brings me here this morning...except that to go downstairs would awaken a daughter and 2 little girls under the age of 5 and I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that yet this morning. So I came to the computer (in this completely destroyed scrapbook room) to find out the symptoms of walking pneumonia (another reason I may not be sleeping this week). Don't think I have that, but severe sinusitis, probably. So, going through my bookmarks I'm reminded that I, myself, have a blog! Thought I'd check it out and see how long it had been and what I was up to "back then". My last post was June...but was that 6/08 or 6/
07??? Hm. But regardless, these changing times are causing havoc in a lot of my life. Some destructive havoc, and some God havoc that always results in growth and transformation.I'm learning to play Grandma...sort of. Sitting next to me is a stack of "stuff" that Lillie calls her craft boxes. We do crafts together. With me working on so much wedding stuff it just seems natural for her to have her own little set up. She opens the TV table and brings down her boxes of markers, stamps and paper and we have a good ole time. Give the child some paper, scissors, and crayons and she will be content for HOURS! Sometimes I get very few wedding things accomplished because she likes to have my undivided attention. She's been making "stuff" for the wedd-en. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it really. I mean last night she took and entire pad of small post-it notes (which I would have NEVER let my kids do) and numbered them from 1 to whatever and put them in a container and said "these are fo the wed-en. We have to give one to evey purson" .... ok...so remind me....when she shows up at the wedd-en, will she really be looking for those things????? Like I said..I'm LEARNING to be a grandma. Most of the stuff she has made for the wedd-en has married the trash can. This could be a catastrophe. I'll have to get some sort of plan into action. Hmm. Any comments or ideas would be helpful.
I keep looking for the sun to come up but the street lights are still bright so it must not be a Jimmy Dean morning. Perhaps I'll try for a couple of hours more sleep. Who knows.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
REST
That was a really tough month. Whew. Glad it's over. Here are my text notes after it all:
Pruning ------------------Winds
Dolby Surround sound -----Armour
Firey Arrows -------------Prayer Warrior
Camera Angles ------------Tree Roots
Storms -------------------Attachment
Planting vs uprooting-----Streams
If you know me at all you can probably identify all of those items in my experiences. If not, well, you can guess....but I would have never been able to put the pieces together if I hadn't lived it myself. I still have a tough time putting it all together to make any sense of it.
Right now, I'm "soaking my feet" in the immeasurable bounty of God's love and faithfulness. These feet have been marching on a battlefield as of late. For today, these things are past. For today, God has granted me not only a deeper view of Himself, but also of myself. A battle for exactly what, I'm not sure yet. It could possibly have been just for my peace of mind, but I think there was more. I may never know for sure because I believe I stood firm...stood the test.
If I were a word-smith, as some bloggers I know are, I would write it all down and have your full attention. I would tell you the incredible tale of where I've been and I could write of the unbounded mercies of a loving, powerful and protective God. However, it would have to include the hard work, the commitment it takes to stand firm, to prepare for battle. In the end the story would end with these words:
peace like a river--------- joy set before me
promises kept --------------confidence
intimacy -------------------experiential knowledge
and lack of the right words
What a peaceful place on this porch, resting my feet in the joy of the Lord. The sounds of the birds are a symphony and the bending & swaying of the trees in so longer a replica of my struggle, but in fact, a soothing massage to my soul.
Rest....aaahhhhh.
Pruning ------------------Winds
Dolby Surround sound -----Armour
Firey Arrows -------------Prayer Warrior
Camera Angles ------------Tree Roots
Storms -------------------Attachment
Planting vs uprooting-----Streams
If you know me at all you can probably identify all of those items in my experiences. If not, well, you can guess....but I would have never been able to put the pieces together if I hadn't lived it myself. I still have a tough time putting it all together to make any sense of it.
Right now, I'm "soaking my feet" in the immeasurable bounty of God's love and faithfulness. These feet have been marching on a battlefield as of late. For today, these things are past. For today, God has granted me not only a deeper view of Himself, but also of myself. A battle for exactly what, I'm not sure yet. It could possibly have been just for my peace of mind, but I think there was more. I may never know for sure because I believe I stood firm...stood the test.
If I were a word-smith, as some bloggers I know are, I would write it all down and have your full attention. I would tell you the incredible tale of where I've been and I could write of the unbounded mercies of a loving, powerful and protective God. However, it would have to include the hard work, the commitment it takes to stand firm, to prepare for battle. In the end the story would end with these words:
peace like a river--------- joy set before me
promises kept --------------confidence
intimacy -------------------experiential knowledge
and lack of the right words
What a peaceful place on this porch, resting my feet in the joy of the Lord. The sounds of the birds are a symphony and the bending & swaying of the trees in so longer a replica of my struggle, but in fact, a soothing massage to my soul.
Rest....aaahhhhh.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Today
I'm tired today. It might be because of that long, long drive from Mankato, MN yesterday (if you like....farmland...take a long drive through the state of Iowa). But I think I'm tired from other things as well.
I'm tired of the rain.
I'm tired of the cold.
I'm tired of watching softball in football weather.
I'm tired of walking on eggshells.
I'm tired of always saying something wrong.
I'm tired of my heart hurting.
I'm just tired.
I want to crawl in a hole with my Friend and spend the week.
A nice warm, dry, sunshiny week.
I'm tired of ants.
Of messy bathrooms and unmade beds.
Why doesn't this craft room stay straightened?
Why does the wireless Internet thingy continue to not want to co-operate????
Why does the price of fuel continue to soar?
I know there is an absolute truth in the Word that I should be focusing on.
I know there is a way out from under these trials...God promises there is.
But today? I'm also tired of trying to work at resting in Him.
Today I'm just gonna be tired. I'm gonna give myself permission to not make the bed (oh, wait, I already did that)
Today I'm gonna give myself permission to let the ants have a party. (Oh, wait, I've already done that)
Well, today I'm just not going to use the Internet...oh, bummer (I'm already doing that)
Shoot. Today. It's half over. I'm going for a run. Maybe I'll feel better when I get back.
I'm tired of the rain.
I'm tired of the cold.
I'm tired of watching softball in football weather.
I'm tired of walking on eggshells.
I'm tired of always saying something wrong.
I'm tired of my heart hurting.
I'm just tired.
I want to crawl in a hole with my Friend and spend the week.
A nice warm, dry, sunshiny week.
I'm tired of ants.
Of messy bathrooms and unmade beds.
Why doesn't this craft room stay straightened?
Why does the wireless Internet thingy continue to not want to co-operate????
Why does the price of fuel continue to soar?
I know there is an absolute truth in the Word that I should be focusing on.
I know there is a way out from under these trials...God promises there is.
But today? I'm also tired of trying to work at resting in Him.
Today I'm just gonna be tired. I'm gonna give myself permission to not make the bed (oh, wait, I already did that)
Today I'm gonna give myself permission to let the ants have a party. (Oh, wait, I've already done that)
Well, today I'm just not going to use the Internet...oh, bummer (I'm already doing that)
Shoot. Today. It's half over. I'm going for a run. Maybe I'll feel better when I get back.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
More and Less
During my study of Samuel this morning , I think God has revealed a truth that may escort me through this new phase of parenting that I find myself in.
When Samuel died, there was no big event commemorating his life. Scripture just say "he died...he was buried". Some mourning is recorded, but for a man of God who loved his people all his life; who prayed for them, taught them, interceded for them, a simple "he died" seems, oh....so ordinary. But then the author of this study pointed me to
John 3: 22-36. Some of John the Baptist's disciples were questioning why people were now turning to Jesus for baptism instead of him. John's answer was simple and to the point: "He must become greater. I must become less."
That struck me since I just had a conversation with one of those 3 that I love, pray, teach and intercede for. In order for God to become to them what He is to me, I must decrease. There is a point where there can be no one standing between them and God. Not even me. Wow. And if you get to the bottom of my heart, my prayer for them is and has been that they would know God in the way that I know Him....with no one standing in the way.
I'm on it. Thanks, God, for your unending attention to the details.
When Samuel died, there was no big event commemorating his life. Scripture just say "he died...he was buried". Some mourning is recorded, but for a man of God who loved his people all his life; who prayed for them, taught them, interceded for them, a simple "he died" seems, oh....so ordinary. But then the author of this study pointed me to
John 3: 22-36. Some of John the Baptist's disciples were questioning why people were now turning to Jesus for baptism instead of him. John's answer was simple and to the point: "He must become greater. I must become less."
That struck me since I just had a conversation with one of those 3 that I love, pray, teach and intercede for. In order for God to become to them what He is to me, I must decrease. There is a point where there can be no one standing between them and God. Not even me. Wow. And if you get to the bottom of my heart, my prayer for them is and has been that they would know God in the way that I know Him....with no one standing in the way.
I'm on it. Thanks, God, for your unending attention to the details.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
It Happened on the Mound
Funny thing, LIFE.
As I spent the day in Kansas watching softball in 35 degree weather, maybe it was 40 but it was still cold. I wonder why I would do such a thing....drive 5 hours by myself to a rather, oh, dreary looking town from what I can see....to stay in a hotel that, well, let's just say isn't one I would have chosen myself, but then that is a whole new post. And then to sit outside for about 4 hours clothed in layers and wrapped from head to toe in a queen size very thick bedspread to watch what normal people would call a summer sport. The answer became very clear when I realized that I had watch the young woman on the mound grow up on the mound. I was astounded to realize what has happened to her over the years. Yes. She has grown up. So smart and so strong...both physically and spiritually, so full of and the desire to do the right things; wanting to grow up but knowing that means facing a lot of unknowns.
Funny thing, LIFE.
As I spent the day in Kansas watching softball in 35 degree weather, maybe it was 40 but it was still cold. I wonder why I would do such a thing....drive 5 hours by myself to a rather, oh, dreary looking town from what I can see....to stay in a hotel that, well, let's just say isn't one I would have chosen myself, but then that is a whole new post. And then to sit outside for about 4 hours clothed in layers and wrapped from head to toe. And in the same 24 hours I got a phone call from my first born as she and her fiancee were, if you can believe it, stealing hidden Easter eggs from an anticipated hunt...they were laughing and ribbing each other....it was the neatest thing to see her stepping into the next phase of her life with a young man that we could not have special ordered any better for her. (Not that I was necessarily proud of her for stealing Easter eggs....they did check out the hunt and it was for adults and they were going to pay the fee and join in legally.) In the same 24 hours I was praying for my son, who at 19 (well, he'll be 20 in a few weeks) was giving a message at our church service....WOW.
LIFE .
It seems to have passed so quickly. Not that it's over by any means. We still have college graduations and weddings and grandchildren to love if God wills it so. But I can't help but stop today and think about my life. The trials and the blessings. Hmmm...sometimes those have butted up next to each other.
I don't really know that I have any place to go with this. I'm sitting in dark hotel room. The tv is off. The air conditioner is on. Steph is asleep. Good friends are playing washers out in the atrium in front of my room. And oh, I just signed up for Facebook and had a tutorial from Steph on how to maneuver things there. Why? I guess it's just LIFE. Will I spend much time on Facebook? I seriously doubt it. But it did give me an hour or so of undivided time with my daughter. It did give us cause to laugh. And I did get to "poke" Zachary. I'm pretty sure that gave him a laugh. I got to post pictures in an album labeled "My Fam-the people I love most" for all my friends to see.
Is that what living life to the fullest is? Is that part of the abundant life Jesus promised me? Facebook? Washers? Softball? Friends? Laughter? Sons? Daughters? Spouses? Tonight I think so.
My LIFE is good. The blessing are too numerous to count.
Friday, February 29, 2008
A "Touchy" Subject
OK. so here's one for you.
For the past week or so, I've had...motivation to dive into the Word about sex. Outside of and in marriage. The authors have a strange way of talking about the same act in different contexts...with different words....then English translations have their own set of words for different accounts...it was all pretty confusing. I have spent hours doing word searches, verse comparisons, word comparisons....language comparisons, like Hebrew and Greek, then Hebrew and English, then Greek and English. And even English and English! My notebook is filled with definitions and random thoughts (some of them possibly not so random as they seemed). It's loaded with word searches and comparisons till I finally got to the place that if I had to try to find something in my notes I would need a GPS to find it!
After all my searching I would like to tell you that I had discovered THE verse that answered my questions but this is what I actually came away with. I hope readers will find it as interesting a thought as I did.
I spoke earlier of Satan's craftiness. And here is where my winning thought of the day comes in. When we are young (especially today, in our society where the truth has been so whitewashed if not blotted out) Satan convinces us that our value is dependent on our attraction to and by the opposite sex, and it comes in various forms:
For the past week or so, I've had...motivation to dive into the Word about sex. Outside of and in marriage. The authors have a strange way of talking about the same act in different contexts...with different words....then English translations have their own set of words for different accounts...it was all pretty confusing. I have spent hours doing word searches, verse comparisons, word comparisons....language comparisons, like Hebrew and Greek, then Hebrew and English, then Greek and English. And even English and English! My notebook is filled with definitions and random thoughts (some of them possibly not so random as they seemed). It's loaded with word searches and comparisons till I finally got to the place that if I had to try to find something in my notes I would need a GPS to find it!
After all my searching I would like to tell you that I had discovered THE verse that answered my questions but this is what I actually came away with. I hope readers will find it as interesting a thought as I did.
- First of all, Satan is crafty. Way craftier than we give him credit for, I'm afraid.
- Secondly, God, in His infinite wisdom created sex for not only our pleasure but as a binding agent. It's what makes two one...and mystery that we don't understand.
- third...that marriage, where 2 are mysteriously intertwined as one by the act of sexual intercourse, is in fact the intended reflection of Christ and His Church.
I spoke earlier of Satan's craftiness. And here is where my winning thought of the day comes in. When we are young (especially today, in our society where the truth has been so whitewashed if not blotted out) Satan convinces us that our value is dependent on our attraction to and by the opposite sex, and it comes in various forms:
- you're not a man if you haven't had sex
- no boy is going to date you if you don't "put out"
- you must have sex with him if you intend to keep him
- you're value as "one of the guys" is how many girls you've slept with
I'm sure you could come up with some of your own.
Then as a married couple the lies come at us in these forms:- she's says she has a headache because she's really not interested in you any longer
- the grass is greener on the other side of the fence
- if he really loved me he would care more about my needs
- all he wants me for is sex
Again, you could probably add to the list.
Then there are the lies that Satan aims at those who may have lived a particularly promiscuous life:- You are used
- who would want to be with you
- you'll never find a man to love you with your past
so this is what I put together about Satan's craftiness that we just seem to miss.
He has convinced us that we aren't desirable if we don't have sex outside of marriage...the marriage bed sucks (pardon my language)...and if you've had sex outside of marriage you aren't worthy. Wow. Has he got the wool pulled over our eyes! I was dumbfounded with the level of darkness he has covered us in. Are we that stupid that we aren't putting the pieces together? How can a person be undesirable if they don't have sex and that same person be used if they do???? Think about it.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Waiting and Watching
It's been a long time since I've been here. Possibly because I have only time to check e-mails and run. Possibly because nothing has been going on. (Ha) But more than anything I think God has been positioning me towards some new things, some deeper level things. Maybe. But I thought that today, before I headed to the doldrums of payroll and bills I would reflect to myself about where my heart is and where it feels like it's headed. Probably more for me than for anyone else who might have an interest in my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I were a great writer...like the author of www.fogparty.blogs.com . I like Steve's description...he is a "wordsmith". I like that. I would love to be a "wordsmith", then I could truly grasp my feelings and put them into words...so hard to do sometimes.
I'm peaceful today (cold but peaceful). I wasn't so much so yesterday. Struggling, you know, with the realities of life. One would think after 53 years the realities of life would be pretty obvious. I suppose different life stages bring different realities.
I love being a wife and mom. I've said it before and I imagine you could probably expect to see it on my tombstone..."She loved being a wife and mom more than life itself." Perhaps women with careers, have distractions when their role as a mom takes on a different parameter. And I think I've adjusted well (not easily, mind you) to the differing "needs" of my kids. But I find myself at another crossroads...that being having to look sin square in the face....their sin. Knowing the mistakes they are making and having to sit and watch it happen. Deciding how you are going to handle things when the chips fall ....and having a pretty good idea of where that is going to be. They aren't necessarily listening, well, maybe they listen but are not hearing, your admonishments and you KNOW when the chips fall, they will be at your side for comfort. This is hard. But the real test for me here, and I find God "testing" me a lot these days...is knowing what God wants from me.
I learned that things don't always seem as they appear. That while things may look like "nothing" is happening or the "wrong things" are happening, God is working behind the scenes to accomplish something much bigger than I could dream or imagine. So one of my struggles is "waiting". Waiting is not something I do with ease, nor is it my first inclination. Nor, as I think about it, do I particularly enjoy it. So now not only am I having to wait, but I'm also denying myself(...who needs fasting when you have to wait????). And I don't think I am waiting solely on what God is going to do....but waiting on what God wants me to do for Him....or better...waiting to find out what God wants to do through me. Maybe it's nothing but to wait. To not get in His way...I've certainly gotten in His way with surprising ease.
So today, I think peace stems not from conclusions, or answered prayers, or repentant children, but from the experiential knowledge I have that God is at work. Acceptance of the fact that things not looking as I expect them or prefer them IS the way God intends them. After all, our lives are for His purposes not our own. So while I'm in the middle of watching one I love potentially make some pretty costly decisions, I am experiencing that peace that surpasses understanding.
I continue to...I'm looking for the right word......surround is not strong enough...steep is not deep enough... I continue to wage this war for the lives of my children and husband in prayer...prayer of the Word back to it's Author...claiming for them His promises and His attributes...standing in the gap for them as Moses did for his self-described "stiff-necked" people. Waiting, yes, waiting for the Author of our lives to fill me in. And I watch with anticipation. For if He calls me to do something, it will be something new and I will gain a deeper level of understanding and love for Him. If He calls me to wait and watch, I get the same results...how can I loose?
I'm peaceful today (cold but peaceful). I wasn't so much so yesterday. Struggling, you know, with the realities of life. One would think after 53 years the realities of life would be pretty obvious. I suppose different life stages bring different realities.
I love being a wife and mom. I've said it before and I imagine you could probably expect to see it on my tombstone..."She loved being a wife and mom more than life itself." Perhaps women with careers, have distractions when their role as a mom takes on a different parameter. And I think I've adjusted well (not easily, mind you) to the differing "needs" of my kids. But I find myself at another crossroads...that being having to look sin square in the face....their sin. Knowing the mistakes they are making and having to sit and watch it happen. Deciding how you are going to handle things when the chips fall ....and having a pretty good idea of where that is going to be. They aren't necessarily listening, well, maybe they listen but are not hearing, your admonishments and you KNOW when the chips fall, they will be at your side for comfort. This is hard. But the real test for me here, and I find God "testing" me a lot these days...is knowing what God wants from me.
I learned that things don't always seem as they appear. That while things may look like "nothing" is happening or the "wrong things" are happening, God is working behind the scenes to accomplish something much bigger than I could dream or imagine. So one of my struggles is "waiting". Waiting is not something I do with ease, nor is it my first inclination. Nor, as I think about it, do I particularly enjoy it. So now not only am I having to wait, but I'm also denying myself(...who needs fasting when you have to wait????). And I don't think I am waiting solely on what God is going to do....but waiting on what God wants me to do for Him....or better...waiting to find out what God wants to do through me. Maybe it's nothing but to wait. To not get in His way...I've certainly gotten in His way with surprising ease.
So today, I think peace stems not from conclusions, or answered prayers, or repentant children, but from the experiential knowledge I have that God is at work. Acceptance of the fact that things not looking as I expect them or prefer them IS the way God intends them. After all, our lives are for His purposes not our own. So while I'm in the middle of watching one I love potentially make some pretty costly decisions, I am experiencing that peace that surpasses understanding.
I continue to...I'm looking for the right word......surround is not strong enough...steep is not deep enough... I continue to wage this war for the lives of my children and husband in prayer...prayer of the Word back to it's Author...claiming for them His promises and His attributes...standing in the gap for them as Moses did for his self-described "stiff-necked" people. Waiting, yes, waiting for the Author of our lives to fill me in. And I watch with anticipation. For if He calls me to do something, it will be something new and I will gain a deeper level of understanding and love for Him. If He calls me to wait and watch, I get the same results...how can I loose?
Friday, January 25, 2008
For the Jewels in my life
I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid.
But you were there with me.
Yes, you were there with me.
And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way.
But you were there with me.
Yes, you were there with me.
Until you opened up my eyes
I never knew,
That I couldn't ever make it without you.
Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
You're the One who's gone before me,
You will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth.
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
And as I travel on the road
That you have led me down,
You are here with me
Yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Now that I have found
That you are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time
I loose my way
But you are always there to bring me back again.
Even though the journey's long,
And I know the road is hard,
Well, the One who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
Now I realize the truth,
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
All I have and all I possess,
Nothing can quite compare with
What's in front of me,
Yea, what's in front of me
Even though the journey's long,
And I know the road is hard,
You're the One who's gone before me
You will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid
But you are here with me,
You are here with me.
Yes, I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.
Third Day
Broken and afraid.
But you were there with me.
Yes, you were there with me.
And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way.
But you were there with me.
Yes, you were there with me.
Until you opened up my eyes
I never knew,
That I couldn't ever make it without you.
Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
You're the One who's gone before me,
You will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth.
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
And as I travel on the road
That you have led me down,
You are here with me
Yes, you are here with me.
And I have need for nothing more
Now that I have found
That you are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.
I confess from time to time
I loose my way
But you are always there to bring me back again.
Even though the journey's long,
And I know the road is hard,
Well, the One who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
Now I realize the truth,
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
All I have and all I possess,
Nothing can quite compare with
What's in front of me,
Yea, what's in front of me
Even though the journey's long,
And I know the road is hard,
You're the One who's gone before me
You will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.
I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid
But you are here with me,
You are here with me.
Yes, I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.
Third Day
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Lessons Learned
Sometimes quietly.
Sometimes loud and absolutely identifiable.
Sometimes in parts...like a mini-series.
The bottom line is one must always be available and listening to what God is ready to reveal. While I have struggled lately with some family issues at home, still trying to figure out how to be this "new" kind of mom to my adult children, God has used that struggle to sort of lay out the way it's supposed to be. Things between parents and their children change. And I'm sure that is the way it is supposed to be. Like it or not. I have to be willing let go of what used to be in exchange for what will be. The seen for the unseen I suppose. Being led by the Spirit is quite a trip really. And if you aren't walking with intent on following you may just miss one of the episodes that completes the lesson.
Do I want to go into detail? Hmmm...probably not since others are part of it....but just let me say that God used my relationship with my own mom.....the very things that I wished were different with us....to shed light on the struggle I was having with one of my own. Put the brakes on, I did. Can I tell you how many times I've told them that I want a different kind of relationship with them?
Now it's clear. (at least for this issue)
Now it's workable.
But this morning I would still be in a fog...disheartened to the core if I had not been willing to listen to the Voice of truth.
Willing to be transformed in yet another way.
That's the walk.
One step at a time.
Sometimes loud and absolutely identifiable.
Sometimes in parts...like a mini-series.
The bottom line is one must always be available and listening to what God is ready to reveal. While I have struggled lately with some family issues at home, still trying to figure out how to be this "new" kind of mom to my adult children, God has used that struggle to sort of lay out the way it's supposed to be. Things between parents and their children change. And I'm sure that is the way it is supposed to be. Like it or not. I have to be willing let go of what used to be in exchange for what will be. The seen for the unseen I suppose. Being led by the Spirit is quite a trip really. And if you aren't walking with intent on following you may just miss one of the episodes that completes the lesson.
Do I want to go into detail? Hmmm...probably not since others are part of it....but just let me say that God used my relationship with my own mom.....the very things that I wished were different with us....to shed light on the struggle I was having with one of my own. Put the brakes on, I did. Can I tell you how many times I've told them that I want a different kind of relationship with them?
Now it's clear. (at least for this issue)
Now it's workable.
But this morning I would still be in a fog...disheartened to the core if I had not been willing to listen to the Voice of truth.
Willing to be transformed in yet another way.
That's the walk.
One step at a time.
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Music to the Heart
OK...I know I'm a sap for a good song.....but I have to share this one....yes, I cried. And I listened to it at least 5 times in the car. Go ahead and laugh. It's ok.
Never mind...the lyrics aren't in the little cd thingy...I'll have to listen to it AGAIN and write them....maybe tomorrow.
Never mind...the lyrics aren't in the little cd thingy...I'll have to listen to it AGAIN and write them....maybe tomorrow.
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Heritage On A Rock
Today I'm in the middle of a 3 day decorating extravaganza, as is my custom on the weekend after Thanksgiving. All the winter/Christmas decorations (yes, winter...I change some of my decor with the seasons) come out of the basement and for 3 days I play with evergreen, snowmen and old Christmas photographs. My family seem to make themselves "unavailable" during this weekend....hmmmm...but that's OK, I'd rather do it alone with old Christmas movies running in the background.
I wanted to share what I hope to become a new Thanksgiving tradition in our house. But first let me give you some background. I am a follower of Jesus Christ which firmly plants my feet in the New Testament. However, if I could only have one testament, I would be hard pressed not to choose the Old. Why? I don't really know. God made some promises to me through the words of the OT when I was a new believer and I've hung onto them with all my heart. The very first being my life verse....well, not a verse, really, more like a life passage...you would know that it would take more than one verse to impact my life...it took a couple of paragraphs! :)
Anyway, I spiderweb...sorry. Thanksgiving Dinner. Do you like stories? One of the things we miss in our culture today are stories. Those narratives that used to be shared generation to generation. You know..."I used to walk to school. barefoot. 10 miles." Not really. I'm talking about the stories about life. We all like to hear about how our dads asked our moms to marry them. Or about how we were born. I know that stories are important to God. Obviously. He gave us tons of books with all kinds of stories. Stories about Him. About a people that He loved. A people that He would die for. He even instructed us to tell the stories...over and over again. He even gave instructions to Joshua to build a stone memorial to the parting of the Jordan River expressly for the purpose of causing conversation between those that crossed on dry land and those yet to come. So, I got this idea from a previous pastor of ours and I brought it to the table...literally. The Thanksgiving Day dinner table.
I bought 2 bags of river rocks (ideally I would have gone to the river and picked some up myself, washing and baking to dry them...but Michael's sells a pretty mean bag of river rocks already cleaned, dried and polished. I thought the polished stones were OK since those 12 rocks that came out of the dry river bed were probably pretty smooth) and I used them as part of the table decorations. After dinner everyone was given a black sharpie and we began to tell stories of times in our life that we knew God was present and alive in what was going on around us. Then we wrote a keyword on the stone with our name on the back...a keyword that would remind us of the story. Then after the story was told, each rock went into a jar that now sits on my fireplace hearth. It's amazing to hear how God brought your kids to where they are. You see it happening but you don't always know how they got there. And for them, the kiddos, they heard some stuff from us that they didn't know before. We had lots of tears and lots of laughter. And certainly some memories actually being made. The whole idea is heritage. To know the stories. To glorify God as the reason for the person you see. And it was so awesome.
I think one of the best things, and there were a couple of "best things", was the fact that at our table sat 2 young men whose whole lives are ahead of them. One, Katie's fiance, Carlie, has grown up in church and believes on the Lord as his Saviour, but may have never seen it lived out day by day as in our family. He now has an idea of the legacy that has been left for his family and that he can tap into it easily enough. He had 2 stories of his own to share....and while he was obviously nervous, the stories were vibrant and had impact on us all. The 2nd was Ryan. If you know us, you know Ryan. Ryan only had 1 story...and I say 1 with emphasis because it will no doubt the the story of his life. He chose a black rock. And it was decided that his would be the only black rock in the jar. He wrote "seeing what is important"...and he preceded to account for stepping out of the dark and into the light. The thing that to me was so cool was the fact that he, as a new believer, looks at Steve and me and sees maturity. He sees something that I think he wants in his own life. Our stories showed him that we haven't always been what he sees today. Our stories told of a God of Detail...a God of transformation. A God who rescues. A God who took lives much like his own and like the potter at the wheel, remade the pot as He saw fit. I ask you, is not this the coolest thing ever?
I suppose I won't know how it really impacted anyone until a future Thanksgiving Day dinner when we are all sitting around reminiscing about the days of old. But there is one thing I do know. God wants us to share our stories. Not just to our kids but to their kids as well. I hope this is a start to a tradition that we share at Thanksgiving meals for many years to come.
And just in case you are wondering....my life "passage" is found in the Old Testament in the book of Jeremiah. Chapter 18. I'm sure it's no coincidence that God gave me that passage for my life considering from where I came and that which He has prepared in advance for me to do.
I wanted to share what I hope to become a new Thanksgiving tradition in our house. But first let me give you some background. I am a follower of Jesus Christ which firmly plants my feet in the New Testament. However, if I could only have one testament, I would be hard pressed not to choose the Old. Why? I don't really know. God made some promises to me through the words of the OT when I was a new believer and I've hung onto them with all my heart. The very first being my life verse....well, not a verse, really, more like a life passage...you would know that it would take more than one verse to impact my life...it took a couple of paragraphs! :)
Anyway, I spiderweb...sorry. Thanksgiving Dinner. Do you like stories? One of the things we miss in our culture today are stories. Those narratives that used to be shared generation to generation. You know..."I used to walk to school. barefoot. 10 miles." Not really. I'm talking about the stories about life. We all like to hear about how our dads asked our moms to marry them. Or about how we were born. I know that stories are important to God. Obviously. He gave us tons of books with all kinds of stories. Stories about Him. About a people that He loved. A people that He would die for. He even instructed us to tell the stories...over and over again. He even gave instructions to Joshua to build a stone memorial to the parting of the Jordan River expressly for the purpose of causing conversation between those that crossed on dry land and those yet to come. So, I got this idea from a previous pastor of ours and I brought it to the table...literally. The Thanksgiving Day dinner table.
I bought 2 bags of river rocks (ideally I would have gone to the river and picked some up myself, washing and baking to dry them...but Michael's sells a pretty mean bag of river rocks already cleaned, dried and polished. I thought the polished stones were OK since those 12 rocks that came out of the dry river bed were probably pretty smooth) and I used them as part of the table decorations. After dinner everyone was given a black sharpie and we began to tell stories of times in our life that we knew God was present and alive in what was going on around us. Then we wrote a keyword on the stone with our name on the back...a keyword that would remind us of the story. Then after the story was told, each rock went into a jar that now sits on my fireplace hearth. It's amazing to hear how God brought your kids to where they are. You see it happening but you don't always know how they got there. And for them, the kiddos, they heard some stuff from us that they didn't know before. We had lots of tears and lots of laughter. And certainly some memories actually being made. The whole idea is heritage. To know the stories. To glorify God as the reason for the person you see. And it was so awesome.
I think one of the best things, and there were a couple of "best things", was the fact that at our table sat 2 young men whose whole lives are ahead of them. One, Katie's fiance, Carlie, has grown up in church and believes on the Lord as his Saviour, but may have never seen it lived out day by day as in our family. He now has an idea of the legacy that has been left for his family and that he can tap into it easily enough. He had 2 stories of his own to share....and while he was obviously nervous, the stories were vibrant and had impact on us all. The 2nd was Ryan. If you know us, you know Ryan. Ryan only had 1 story...and I say 1 with emphasis because it will no doubt the the story of his life. He chose a black rock. And it was decided that his would be the only black rock in the jar. He wrote "seeing what is important"...and he preceded to account for stepping out of the dark and into the light. The thing that to me was so cool was the fact that he, as a new believer, looks at Steve and me and sees maturity. He sees something that I think he wants in his own life. Our stories showed him that we haven't always been what he sees today. Our stories told of a God of Detail...a God of transformation. A God who rescues. A God who took lives much like his own and like the potter at the wheel, remade the pot as He saw fit. I ask you, is not this the coolest thing ever?
I suppose I won't know how it really impacted anyone until a future Thanksgiving Day dinner when we are all sitting around reminiscing about the days of old. But there is one thing I do know. God wants us to share our stories. Not just to our kids but to their kids as well. I hope this is a start to a tradition that we share at Thanksgiving meals for many years to come.
And just in case you are wondering....my life "passage" is found in the Old Testament in the book of Jeremiah. Chapter 18. I'm sure it's no coincidence that God gave me that passage for my life considering from where I came and that which He has prepared in advance for me to do.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Back to the Future
Ok...enough of the past....I was just so amazed at what God has been up to...and while I've actually been living it, it still comes as an amazing thing.
Today the sun is shinning even though it is cold and it's going to be a great day. This week we begin to plan for the future......a wedding!!!!! Our oldest daughter accepted the proposal of a young man that we are very excited to have in our family. A wedding is planned for Oct 4, 2008 and the Bride to Be has hit the floor running....they were engaged on Sunday and by last night the ceremony venue was secured (the Conservatory on Main street) and the reception hall was decided upon. Such fun!!! Mother of the Bride! Yikes! My biggest fear? Having to get all dressed up...I wonder if the make sweat suits in linen? :)
I've learned something else this week...and not something that I'm really excited about. In fact, I could be a little discouraged but I'm choosing not to be. Have you ever shared the gospel with someone who said "yea, I understand what you are saying, but I don't want that. I'm not ready to give up what I'm doing for that"? I have. And it can be very frustrating. So now in this obedience to sharing my life with others, turning them toward God (I think we call it disciples making disciples)....I have found that even though one may claim to be a believer, they don't always want to hear the truth. They will even argue with you about what Scripture says to be true. Am I weird that I take it all as written? How is it that someone can pick and choose what they want to believe and have any faith at all in that which they say they believe? It's confusing to me. So as some choose to live their lives looking for the feel good stuff, I have to trust that God has called me to turn people toward Him....I have to be able to let go of those who see life differently...information vs transformation I guess. Here's the thing....I don't see myself softening up the truth or denying the truth to keep a disciple. Is that wrong? I mean, when do you hang in there because transformation just may not be on my timeline and when do you say...I'll be here when you are ready for truth? I'm just a little confused. I just can't say "Well, this is what God says, but if you want to do it differently that's ok with me. We will just study the things you want to do." Especially when it is those very truths that could change their lives!!!!! I shake my head in frustration.
So off I go....looking forward to the day and the weekend. Steph is coming home tomorrow for a family fix and we go Sat morning to secure a reception hall....and Zach? God is doing some truly amazing things....it's exciting to wait for his walking into the house at night to find out what God has revealed by the end of the day...it seems to be something new every day. Thanks to those of you who are investing your time in him........
Today the sun is shinning even though it is cold and it's going to be a great day. This week we begin to plan for the future......a wedding!!!!! Our oldest daughter accepted the proposal of a young man that we are very excited to have in our family. A wedding is planned for Oct 4, 2008 and the Bride to Be has hit the floor running....they were engaged on Sunday and by last night the ceremony venue was secured (the Conservatory on Main street) and the reception hall was decided upon. Such fun!!! Mother of the Bride! Yikes! My biggest fear? Having to get all dressed up...I wonder if the make sweat suits in linen? :)
I've learned something else this week...and not something that I'm really excited about. In fact, I could be a little discouraged but I'm choosing not to be. Have you ever shared the gospel with someone who said "yea, I understand what you are saying, but I don't want that. I'm not ready to give up what I'm doing for that"? I have. And it can be very frustrating. So now in this obedience to sharing my life with others, turning them toward God (I think we call it disciples making disciples)....I have found that even though one may claim to be a believer, they don't always want to hear the truth. They will even argue with you about what Scripture says to be true. Am I weird that I take it all as written? How is it that someone can pick and choose what they want to believe and have any faith at all in that which they say they believe? It's confusing to me. So as some choose to live their lives looking for the feel good stuff, I have to trust that God has called me to turn people toward Him....I have to be able to let go of those who see life differently...information vs transformation I guess. Here's the thing....I don't see myself softening up the truth or denying the truth to keep a disciple. Is that wrong? I mean, when do you hang in there because transformation just may not be on my timeline and when do you say...I'll be here when you are ready for truth? I'm just a little confused. I just can't say "Well, this is what God says, but if you want to do it differently that's ok with me. We will just study the things you want to do." Especially when it is those very truths that could change their lives!!!!! I shake my head in frustration.
So off I go....looking forward to the day and the weekend. Steph is coming home tomorrow for a family fix and we go Sat morning to secure a reception hall....and Zach? God is doing some truly amazing things....it's exciting to wait for his walking into the house at night to find out what God has revealed by the end of the day...it seems to be something new every day. Thanks to those of you who are investing your time in him........
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Let The Battle Begin...a journal entry
11/10/05
I'm in warfare. A battle for the lives of my young children.
I'm in warfare. A battle for the lives of my young children.
Joshua 14:12
Now give me this hill country that the Lord promised me that day. You, yourself heard then that the Anakites were there and their cities were large & fortified, but the Lord is helping me, I will drive them out just as He said.
14:13 Then Joshua blessed Caleb, son of Jepbunneh and gave him Hebron as his inheritance....because he followed the Lord with his whole heart.
14:15 Then the land had rest from war.
Caleb made decisions based on what he believed about God. His faith in who God was and what God had promised far out weighted what the circumstances looked like. His decision to trust God at His word and act accordingly pleased the Lord and the Lord gave Caleb and his inheritance rest from war.
How difficult it is sometimes to keep circumstances at bay and set our heart and eyes on things above. There was very little support system for Caleb- one or two out of what, 24,000?!! Yet he kept his "heart" focused on God's promise.
I don't have people around me like Caleb did, throwing seeds of doubt my way--only my own thoughts. They must be arrows of doubt from Satan. I will combat them with my sheild of faith-believing what I can't see. Trusting in the promises God has given me. Trusting in my God who has provided for and taken care of me before. The God who gave Caleb rest from war is the very same, exact God who cares to know my name. Rest for me will come. This particular battle in this big war will be won. Then I will have another memorial, another marker of God's outstanding care for me and my descendants.
Oh to be 10!..a journal entry
11/5/05
I find myself, yet again, captivated by the colors of fall. And even though, generally speaking, colors haven't been widespread, God, in His attention to the details of my life, has poured buckets of reds, yellows and oranges in my own front yard. Two days ago I dragged Steve outside to see the street side of the tree on the left. Even though they are both October Glory Maples, the one on the left has the most stunning array of colors. The one on the right waits about a week longer to change and it doesn't have all the yellows in it; tons of red and green still, so I'm sure if the left one wasn't there I would think the right one was beautiful, but as it is, the left one captivates me. It draws my eye and makes me tilt my head to take in the entire picture. One day I went into the yard to stand under it and look up through it! Oh to have been 10 years old! I would have climbed up into it and sat for hours!
I find myself, yet again, captivated by the colors of fall. And even though, generally speaking, colors haven't been widespread, God, in His attention to the details of my life, has poured buckets of reds, yellows and oranges in my own front yard. Two days ago I dragged Steve outside to see the street side of the tree on the left. Even though they are both October Glory Maples, the one on the left has the most stunning array of colors. The one on the right waits about a week longer to change and it doesn't have all the yellows in it; tons of red and green still, so I'm sure if the left one wasn't there I would think the right one was beautiful, but as it is, the left one captivates me. It draws my eye and makes me tilt my head to take in the entire picture. One day I went into the yard to stand under it and look up through it! Oh to have been 10 years old! I would have climbed up into it and sat for hours!
Friday, October 26, 2007
A NEW THING...a journal entry
11/4/05
I am in this place of waiting. This place of absolute stillness. A stillness-almost like a void- that would frustrate me if I didn't have this deep sense of God working on something. He is up to something. Since my trip to Jekyll Island I have known He was doing something new.
I am in this place of waiting. This place of absolute stillness. A stillness-almost like a void- that would frustrate me if I didn't have this deep sense of God working on something. He is up to something. Since my trip to Jekyll Island I have known He was doing something new.
Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past.
For I AM starting up a new thing. Now it is springing up.
Do you not perceive it?
I Am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland.
Is 41:18-19
Those were His words to me in the spring of this year. Those were His promises to my hurting heart. In the time that has passed since then I have been taken into a deeper relationship of faith and prayer. I guess I still don't see the "thing" that He is up to...but I have grown into this most awesome relationship with the Lord.. but, you know, that relationship just might be the very thing He was starting! How exciting is that? From where I'm sitting there really isn't anything I would trade today for the relationship that He has brought me to. I guess I would exchange y life with the Lord for my kids to have one like this with Him, but I rest in the truth that they belong to Him and no one can snatch them out of His hand. And they are in His hand.
So I sit still in my heart. A heart that used to cry out "Fix it!" and wonder at the things He is teaching me...knowing that He is God.
Be still and know that I AM God. (Ps 46:10)
10/26/07 This is the journal entry that caused me to start writing them on my blog. It's been almost 2 years to the day that I made this entry. Today I am absolutely sure of the "new thing", and while I rejoice in that deeper relationship He began to build with me in 2004, that was definitely the foundation of the things He has planned for me before time began. Not only do I SEE the new thing springing up, but I'm LIVING the new thing. Nothing short of raising my kiddos has brought me such joy.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
LONELY....BUT NOT ALONE
Hesitation marks my heart this morning. As I've set out to share with you a life that has been changed, I wanted to share how God has meticulously done that. While my walk with my Lord has been over 20 years now, some things have been resolved only in the past 2 years or so. Of course, as it seems to be the way of God, He never reveals it all at once anyway, so it's understandable why it seems to take some things so long to surface and have resolution.
My hesitation comes from a couple of things really. First of all, journals are personal. I write things in them that I wouldn't necessarily share with friends and family. So to put it here makes me vulnerable to your judgement and criticism. Also, some of the entries involve my relationships with my family. While I would never knowingly publish anything that would be harmful to them, I never know how some things could impact them. And lastly, I think there is a certain level of protection in you not knowing my weaknesses. Or my struggles. Or my sin. But therein lies the reason for sharing. I think there may be one or two of you out there who look at me like I used to look at some of the older women in my first "believing" congregation. I knew I wanted to be them when I grew up. So if you want to be "like me" when you "grow up", I suppose it's helpful to know a bit of the entire story.
So I share this next journal entry hesitantly, but with the hope that you believe that God has a plan for YOUR life, just as He has one for mine. And so the story unfolds......
10/31/05
What is wrong with me Lord? Why do I feel so empty inside? Why so lonely? With all I have around me, why so alone? If it weren't' for my time with you each day I think I would loose it. What am I not doing right? What am I missing? I'm willing to do and to be what you want. I just don't want to be so lonely anymore. Isn't my marriage supposed to be more than this? Isn't there supposed to be a connection you can feel? I understand about love and commitment. I'm not talking fireworks here, Lord. I just want to belong...to somebody.....somewhere.
Isn't it enough that I belong to you, you ask? Your grace is sufficient for me, you remind me. Why does that stop the tears but not mend the brokenness? It brings comfort and assurance to know that I am yours. But there is still that longing in my soul to belong somewhere. To be important to someone. I'm sure this is where many long marriages end. I can see why. When you get old enough to see your kids off and running, starting new lives, new loves; leaving you behind in an empty world. One void of need for you.
What am I doing wrong? My days are filled with empty activities; conversations of a life that has passed me by. Absence of the kids really highlights the absence of ...whatever. The only thing that has strengthened over the last years is my relationship with you. I'm thankful for that. Without it things might be way different today.
Lord, I really want that deep relationship with my husband. I want that 'one-ness'....that if we parted I wouldn't feel like I couldn't go on. As it stands now I feel like he could definitely go on without me. Why is it like that? Where have we gone wrong? Why isn't he interested in being closer? He never ask me questions about why I'm hurting. Or why I'm lonely. I even told him yesterday that I was so lonely. And that I was hurting. He didn't even ask me why.
What is it you want from me Lord? You've taken me into this isolation chamber. It hurts to be alone. Even more so when there are people around me. What am I supposed to be doing? Waiting? Being still? I look to you for that power and that strength. It doesn't come easily to be still and wait. But I know you are God. I know that you know my heart. I know that you know how it hurts. I trust you with my heart like I trust you with the lives of my kids. Give me what I need to be still and wait. Peace. Comfort. Help me remember your promises O Lord. Search my heart and show me any evil ways inside me.. May my heart dwell in you all day, every day. I call upon you Lord to remove this cover of darkness, loneliness, emptiness today. Help me to do things today for you Lord and to find joy in the doing. IJN, Amen
My hesitation comes from a couple of things really. First of all, journals are personal. I write things in them that I wouldn't necessarily share with friends and family. So to put it here makes me vulnerable to your judgement and criticism. Also, some of the entries involve my relationships with my family. While I would never knowingly publish anything that would be harmful to them, I never know how some things could impact them. And lastly, I think there is a certain level of protection in you not knowing my weaknesses. Or my struggles. Or my sin. But therein lies the reason for sharing. I think there may be one or two of you out there who look at me like I used to look at some of the older women in my first "believing" congregation. I knew I wanted to be them when I grew up. So if you want to be "like me" when you "grow up", I suppose it's helpful to know a bit of the entire story.
So I share this next journal entry hesitantly, but with the hope that you believe that God has a plan for YOUR life, just as He has one for mine. And so the story unfolds......
10/31/05
What is wrong with me Lord? Why do I feel so empty inside? Why so lonely? With all I have around me, why so alone? If it weren't' for my time with you each day I think I would loose it. What am I not doing right? What am I missing? I'm willing to do and to be what you want. I just don't want to be so lonely anymore. Isn't my marriage supposed to be more than this? Isn't there supposed to be a connection you can feel? I understand about love and commitment. I'm not talking fireworks here, Lord. I just want to belong...to somebody.....somewhere.
Isn't it enough that I belong to you, you ask? Your grace is sufficient for me, you remind me. Why does that stop the tears but not mend the brokenness? It brings comfort and assurance to know that I am yours. But there is still that longing in my soul to belong somewhere. To be important to someone. I'm sure this is where many long marriages end. I can see why. When you get old enough to see your kids off and running, starting new lives, new loves; leaving you behind in an empty world. One void of need for you.
What am I doing wrong? My days are filled with empty activities; conversations of a life that has passed me by. Absence of the kids really highlights the absence of ...whatever. The only thing that has strengthened over the last years is my relationship with you. I'm thankful for that. Without it things might be way different today.
Lord, I really want that deep relationship with my husband. I want that 'one-ness'....that if we parted I wouldn't feel like I couldn't go on. As it stands now I feel like he could definitely go on without me. Why is it like that? Where have we gone wrong? Why isn't he interested in being closer? He never ask me questions about why I'm hurting. Or why I'm lonely. I even told him yesterday that I was so lonely. And that I was hurting. He didn't even ask me why.
What is it you want from me Lord? You've taken me into this isolation chamber. It hurts to be alone. Even more so when there are people around me. What am I supposed to be doing? Waiting? Being still? I look to you for that power and that strength. It doesn't come easily to be still and wait. But I know you are God. I know that you know my heart. I know that you know how it hurts. I trust you with my heart like I trust you with the lives of my kids. Give me what I need to be still and wait. Peace. Comfort. Help me remember your promises O Lord. Search my heart and show me any evil ways inside me.. May my heart dwell in you all day, every day. I call upon you Lord to remove this cover of darkness, loneliness, emptiness today. Help me to do things today for you Lord and to find joy in the doing. IJN, Amen
Monday, October 22, 2007
Is Your Coat One Of Many Colors....a journal entry
10/24/05
I'm sure that Joseph and even his brothers saw what they did to him as evil. But maybe God didn't see it as evil. Our limited understanding of life in it's entirety from eternity to eternity will always sell us short. We see in Scripture that Joseph's brothers think about killing him. That did not happen. From that moment, and even before, God's plan had been put in motion. I don't think , well, maybe I think, that it's possible that God didn't see the brothers' actions as "evil", but as the method to get Joe to the position he wanted him. If there is a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, then it was necessary for Joe to experience every single thing he went through. Surely God could have elevated Joseph to that position without all the struggle, but would he have been the same kind of leader?
So when things around me look hopeless, a fear sets in because I don't understand- or when fear sets in because I think I do understand- maybe it's not evil at all. Maybe God is bringing circumstances into my life, and the lives of those I love, for a greater purpose.
My God is Josephs God.
My God is Jacob's God.
I will stand firm on my faith.
I will believe in what I don't see because of what I have seen.
I'm sure that Joseph and even his brothers saw what they did to him as evil. But maybe God didn't see it as evil. Our limited understanding of life in it's entirety from eternity to eternity will always sell us short. We see in Scripture that Joseph's brothers think about killing him. That did not happen. From that moment, and even before, God's plan had been put in motion. I don't think , well, maybe I think, that it's possible that God didn't see the brothers' actions as "evil", but as the method to get Joe to the position he wanted him. If there is a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, then it was necessary for Joe to experience every single thing he went through. Surely God could have elevated Joseph to that position without all the struggle, but would he have been the same kind of leader?
So when things around me look hopeless, a fear sets in because I don't understand- or when fear sets in because I think I do understand- maybe it's not evil at all. Maybe God is bringing circumstances into my life, and the lives of those I love, for a greater purpose.
My God is Josephs God.
My God is Jacob's God.
I will stand firm on my faith.
I will believe in what I don't see because of what I have seen.
- because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob
- because of the Shepherd
- the Rock of Israel
- because of the God who helps me
- because of the Almighty who blesses me: with blessings of the heavens above, blessings of the deep that lie below, blessings if the breast and womb.
My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from Him. He alone is my Rock and my Salvation. He is my Fortress. I will not be moved. Psalm 62:1-2
10/22/07 As I sit and ponder these journal entries of 2 years ago, I'm amazed at where I was and where I am. The two positions are so...well, so linear. I've never thought of life being linear but today from where I sit it is absolutely clear how God led me from there to here. It's pretty humbling to know that God's hand is at work in my life to such an extent. If you don't journal,I encourage you to do so. It's a remarkable journey when one chooses to walk with God. In His Care.....Judy
Monday Mornings...a journal entry
10/24/05
Another Monday morning...I love Monday mornings! Really! I'm going to spend extra time in prayer & study.... and it's cleaning day!!! I love to clean my house.... and do laundry. It's two of my fav's.
It's the beginning of a good week..or maybe a good beginning of the week. God has affirmed to me that He is at work. He is starting something new. Even though I only perceive His confirmations that He is up to something, I believe those confirmations....I believe His Word...so I'm waiting in expectation for its completion. I will not, however cease to pray. I will continue to seek God's wisdom, His ezer kenegdo, I will continue to seek His guidance and trust His promises.
Details.
He has proven to me that He is my God of Details.
Another Monday morning...I love Monday mornings! Really! I'm going to spend extra time in prayer & study.... and it's cleaning day!!! I love to clean my house.... and do laundry. It's two of my fav's.
It's the beginning of a good week..or maybe a good beginning of the week. God has affirmed to me that He is at work. He is starting something new. Even though I only perceive His confirmations that He is up to something, I believe those confirmations....I believe His Word...so I'm waiting in expectation for its completion. I will not, however cease to pray. I will continue to seek God's wisdom, His ezer kenegdo, I will continue to seek His guidance and trust His promises.
Details.
He has proven to me that He is my God of Details.
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