It's been a long time since I've been here. Possibly because I have only time to check e-mails and run. Possibly because nothing has been going on. (Ha) But more than anything I think God has been positioning me towards some new things, some deeper level things. Maybe. But I thought that today, before I headed to the doldrums of payroll and bills I would reflect to myself about where my heart is and where it feels like it's headed. Probably more for me than for anyone else who might have an interest in my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I were a great writer...like the author of www.fogparty.blogs.com . I like Steve's description...he is a "wordsmith". I like that. I would love to be a "wordsmith", then I could truly grasp my feelings and put them into words...so hard to do sometimes.
I'm peaceful today (cold but peaceful). I wasn't so much so yesterday. Struggling, you know, with the realities of life. One would think after 53 years the realities of life would be pretty obvious. I suppose different life stages bring different realities.
I love being a wife and mom. I've said it before and I imagine you could probably expect to see it on my tombstone..."She loved being a wife and mom more than life itself." Perhaps women with careers, have distractions when their role as a mom takes on a different parameter. And I think I've adjusted well (not easily, mind you) to the differing "needs" of my kids. But I find myself at another crossroads...that being having to look sin square in the face....their sin. Knowing the mistakes they are making and having to sit and watch it happen. Deciding how you are going to handle things when the chips fall ....and having a pretty good idea of where that is going to be. They aren't necessarily listening, well, maybe they listen but are not hearing, your admonishments and you KNOW when the chips fall, they will be at your side for comfort. This is hard. But the real test for me here, and I find God "testing" me a lot these days...is knowing what God wants from me.
I learned that things don't always seem as they appear. That while things may look like "nothing" is happening or the "wrong things" are happening, God is working behind the scenes to accomplish something much bigger than I could dream or imagine. So one of my struggles is "waiting". Waiting is not something I do with ease, nor is it my first inclination. Nor, as I think about it, do I particularly enjoy it. So now not only am I having to wait, but I'm also denying myself(...who needs fasting when you have to wait????). And I don't think I am waiting solely on what God is going to do....but waiting on what God wants me to do for Him....or better...waiting to find out what God wants to do through me. Maybe it's nothing but to wait. To not get in His way...I've certainly gotten in His way with surprising ease.
So today, I think peace stems not from conclusions, or answered prayers, or repentant children, but from the experiential knowledge I have that God is at work. Acceptance of the fact that things not looking as I expect them or prefer them IS the way God intends them. After all, our lives are for His purposes not our own. So while I'm in the middle of watching one I love potentially make some pretty costly decisions, I am experiencing that peace that surpasses understanding.
I continue to...I'm looking for the right word......surround is not strong enough...steep is not deep enough... I continue to wage this war for the lives of my children and husband in prayer...prayer of the Word back to it's Author...claiming for them His promises and His attributes...standing in the gap for them as Moses did for his self-described "stiff-necked" people. Waiting, yes, waiting for the Author of our lives to fill me in. And I watch with anticipation. For if He calls me to do something, it will be something new and I will gain a deeper level of understanding and love for Him. If He calls me to wait and watch, I get the same results...how can I loose?
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