10/19/05
It's a beautiful fall morning. Outdoors. But today I am changed.. Well, maybe not changed, yet, but when God reveals something deep in your soul, you can't go unchanged. You won't be the same. So I sit down this morning to put my thoughts on paper. For two reasons: 1) there are so many and they need some sort of organization in my head and 2) sadly, I have no one to talk to about it. But that's okay. God, through His grace and mercy, has brought me to this point and I have confidence that He will see me through as He works out the details. After all, he is my God of Details.
Where to begin. If you are reading this then you are most likely one of my children or grandchildren (oh my gosh!) No matter if you are male or female let me encourage you to read 'Captivating' by Stasi & John Eldridge. I will guard my copy for you--Suzanne & Leigh, I hope you have read yours. Anyway. God has used the experiences and the words in this book to show me a side of myself that He loves. So here I go. Trying to organize my thought to see what God wants me to do with them.
I've never felt very pretty. Never. Where did that come from? These things have come to my mind. This first few are very old memories from around age 5-7.
Age 5 I had a new outfit. It must have been the beginning of kindergarten (because I remember where we lived- heck, I remember being that little girl.) I couldn't, no, I wasn't more than 5 or 6. I had on my new red sweater, red plaid, pleated, wool skirt and red knee socks. My hair was long and curly. My mom had pulled it up into a half-pony tail and it (and my skirt :) bounced as I skipped from my bedroom, around the corner into the living room to show my dad how wonderful I looked in my new outfit. I'm not sure what he thought about the clothes, but I will never forget his words (I was 5 then and today I'm 51)---"You'll never be very pretty"...no, he said..."I guess you'll never be very pretty, will you?" I didn't skip back to change clothes. I no longer felt like bouncing. I remember hanging my head.
The second memory is a little more vague. Only because I think it happened more than once. Still it was before 5th grade that I can remember specific incidents but my heart tells me i heard this more than one time. Catalogs. What little girl didn't love looking at catalogs? I did. My mom bought my clothes through Sears and Penny's catalogs so each season, especially for new school clothes, we would sit down and wander through the latest edition-pause- I wonder why this is so hard to write? I can have the memories in my head but putting it on paper hurts. OK. We would look at the pages and I loved looking at the pretty dresses on the pretty young, blond models. I thought they were so pretty! I would point one out that I wanted and Mom would say...I can't pinpoint exact words-something about not looking at the girls- what looks good on them won't look good on me. I can, however, describe the exact feelings I had. They were blond, my hair was dark. they were skinny, I was fat. (Whether or not I was is still a question). My physical qualities just didn't measure up. I think that most of the clothes we ordered came off of the pages where there were no models.
The third thing I can recall specifically that impacted the way I saw myself physically happened during adolescence. Those awful years of self-discovery and identification. Dad is no longer in the picture. He's been gone about---(so many memories come flooding back when I think of his absence. At about age 10....maybe my 9th or 10th birthday, mom and dad were separated. Dad came to pick us up for a weekend visit-how awkward it was to spend the night with someone you didn't even know- & he was your dad! He brought me a gift. When I opened it, it was a set of 2 birds to hang on the wall.....pink, chalk cock-a-toos. To hang on a wall!!!! "He doesn't even know me well enough to buy a gift for me." That was my thought) But back to high school. Mom and Dad are divorced. Dad has been "out of residence" for about 3 or 4 years. And Mom, God love her, is trying to survive as a single mom in a couple's world. A lot of things went on during this time---I needed a 'mom' more than the 'friend' she wanted to be. But the incident, and this kind of thing happened on more than one occasion, the one I can really remember was being in a boutique with Mom while she was shopping for new clothes. Remember, I' m about 17. She was about 37. I'm in the shop with her and the sales clerk starts going on and on about how young she looked. How thin she was and how she looked like my sisiter instead of my mom. I don't think I was jealous of my mom (even though she accused me of that when I tried to share how it made me feel). I very quietly put what I needed from her away because I felt she needed and deserved this new life she had started. But, still, those kind of comments from outsiders cemented the strong belief I had that I wasn't very pretty. I distinctly remember thinking "Here I am the teenager and she's getting all the attention".
Through the years I can recall many incidents that provided confirmation in my mind of that first declaration regarding my beauty---the one from the only man in my life. So over the course of time I learned that if I couldn't be 'attractive' to people, if I wasn't lovable by sight then I could be lovable by what I could do for people. Be a helper!! Be good. Make good grades. Not give my mom any grief since my brother already provided enough of that. My mom needed a respite from struggling teens. I could do that. My dad needed me to love him in spite of his behavior. I could do that. M mom needed me to go to college and get a job I would be good at. I could do that. My first marriage was a need fulfilled...not necessarily mine. A heart had been broken and needed to be healed. I remember thinking I should get married because he was exactly the kind of man my mom wanted. (Suzanne, I know how this might make you feel but know that I am sitting here thinking of you. This doesn't mean I didn't love your dad. I did. The loss of our marriage was huge---a huge devastation in my life. I guess I thought he would always need me and one day I awoke and he didn't need me anymore)
I sit here and love my husband with all my heart. God has grown this marriage, this love, into something that I can't imagine, or ever want to live without. When our relationship first began, however, it ,for me, was need based. I thought he needed me. He was new to the area (well, not really, but I thought he was), he was very sad from the loss of a relationship that involved a child....and guess what? I could help him overcome that! He was newly sober (I could help him with that? Ha!) And he had very personal needs that I did help him with. He needed me for that, too. Then.
---Funny---when that 'need' was no longer there, that part of our live evaporated....
The same with friends.....good friends came with needs.
The same with ministry.....when I wasn't 'needed' anymore I moved on.
The same with....wait.....my kids! This has been the hallmark of my love of parenting. THEY NEEDED ME!!! They don't NEED me anymore. I see that it is also the main ingredient of my woes in empty nesting. They don't need me.
When being 'needed' has been the foundation of our life for so long, where do you go when you are no longer needed? If you equate who you are and how much you are loved, even your very value, with how much you're needed, where is there to go when you no longer perceive your need?
If I could identify, and now I can sort through the whys, the one thing that keeps me so emotionally separated from my husband , it would be my deep seated desire to be needed. And he has to be one of the most ferociously independent people I know. I've always felt that he doesn't really need me. That probably any woman could step into my role here at home and he would be content (that does make me cry however). But I've never fully understood how I've operated my life from the standpoint of how much I'm needed. This is huge for me. We all need a reason to be loved and since I wasn't going to be loved and sought after for my beauty then I would take care of people. Then I would be loved. Proof was in the pudding. I have always felt loved because I helped people. When I could no loner help, I moved on. Looking for love...maybe ,more like loooking for validaiton. If people needed me and I could help, then I was valuable. If I wasn't needed..if I'm not needed, then of what value am I?
So that's where I stand today. That little girl who was told that she would never be very pretty, has spent a lifetime looking for value in being needed. God says there is much more. My tomorrows are going to be different than my yesterdays. I'm looking down a path from a crossroad.
- My kids no longer need me like they used to.
- I probably don't see how Hubby really does love me.
- My friendships with other women changed dramatically when Rachel moved (how? you might ask....there haven't been any -none that I let in that close.)
I sense that God is up to something (Isiah 41:18 & 19). I think my life is about to be changed. I don't hold any bitterness or resentment toward my parents. I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. God has been so good to me and has built a life for me and my family that is far sweeter than I could have ever dreamed or imagined---in spite of myself. And I thank Him for it daily.
Today, hoverer, is a new day. I'm asking Him to reveal to me the woman He created me to be, to release me from the burden of needing to be needed; from the burden of finding my value in how and how much I am needed. I want to see myself as He sees me. To be all He created me to be. I don't have to be needed to be of value. After all, God does not need me but He valued me enough to die for me.
I love your, Lord Jesus. Who am I that you would care to know my pain? Who am I that you would care about my life? Who am I that before I ever knew you, you would sacrifice your Son for me? I open my heart to you Lord, To see my errors. Willing to be purified. Ready to have the old swept away. Humbly waiting for your truths that will continue to change my life. Help me to see clearly your truths so I can walk in your way. Give me a heart for you that every movement , every beat, pleases you. And give me a hunger for you love and encourage my love for you to grow. I pray that those I come in contact with will see you in me as evident as white tennis shoes in Paris. I love you Lord and I praise you for what you are eoing in the lives of myself and my family. IJN, Amen
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