Penny Lane

Changing With the Times

2010-10-23T19:49:00.003-05:00

Gosh, it's been a long time.... Our lives have totally changed for sure. My last post was in January '09? I had just gained 2 son-in-laws. Since then our family of 7 has been impacted by marital stresses, miscarriages, untimely pregnancies, adult children moving home, hospitalizations, surgeries, and children choosing to walk outside the will of God. Most of my tears and fears have been recorded in a journal hence no posts. I probably wouldn't have recorded most of that online anyway. It was way too hard.

But, as always, God has had His way in my life. I sure wish I could have learned these lessons without all this, for sure. But I've learned that God is good, even when things don't look good. In fact, when circumstances don't look good, He is up to something good. I'm seeing a few good things come about. I'm patiently awaiting the others. And that is one lesson I'm learning. Patience. Waiting on God. In my care group I sort of make a joke about it by saying that God has instructed me to "sit down and shut up". That is my loose translation of "Be still and know that I am God". I'm learning. My heart is learning to be still in the midst of the sunami of trials we have had to face this year. (I say "sunami" because the afore mentioned list took place in 9 short months.)

So I sit here tonight, switching back and forth between the NLCS and the Mizzou/OK game, listening to the voices of my 2 granddaughters downstairs, thinking about what a blessing my life really is. In spite of the trials. And most likely because of the trials. God is definitely good. Faithful. I not only trust that God is going to do what He promised, but I BELIEVE He will do what He promised.

The River or The Banks?

2009-01-19T09:53:00.002-06:00

It's pretty simple, really. When I think about creation, how it might have looked, the Garden and all....I can't help but think about us. About mankind. About exactly how and why we were created. I suppose I learned a long time ago that man was created to worship God....to praise Him. However, it has just come to my realization that there is something deeper there than the obvious. Yes. We were created to worship and praise God, but what exactly does that mean?

Let's take, oh a fish, for instance. Pretty simple creature from our perspective. Swims all day. Looking for something to eat. Eats what was intended for him. And he lives where he was intended to live. In the water, right? Take a fish out of the water and he perishes. He might flap around a little while on the river bank, but eventually that which he was not created for gets the best of him.

So, I think it is with us. If, in fact, we were created to walk and talk in the garden with the Creator, anything short of that will get the best of us. Soooo...when we live lives that are absent of praise, worship, trust and a dependence on God, we walk a life contrary to what we were created for. And there we are flapping around on the banks of life trying to do it our way. All kinds of things creep in...worry, fear, anxiety, control....like I said, flapping around on the banks of life. Created to be a faith based person, that's the answer. That's who we are, who we are intended to be.

I'm not sure there is any lofty spiritual conclusion here. Just a little truth that might make a big change in my day to day dealings with the world around me. As a fish, I would be happiest in the river...as a human being I don't want to be flapping around, either. So off I go to the garden that God created me to live in....faith, trust, dependence on Him.

Changing Times

2008-11-08T05:34:00.005-06:00

Times they are a-changing. It's about 5:30 in the morning and I've been up most of the night...again. Continuous sleep eludes me. At least 25 years ago there was a precious purpose to being awakened several times a night. Now it's just a pain. So go the times, I guess.

I don't know what brings me here this morning...except that to go downstairs would awaken a daughter and 2 little girls under the age of 5 and I'm not quite sure I'm ready for that yet this morning. So I came to the computer (in this completely destroyed scrapbook room) to find out the symptoms of walking pneumonia (another reason I may not be sleeping this week). Don't think I have that, but severe sinusitis, probably. So, going through my bookmarks I'm reminded that I, myself, have a blog! Thought I'd check it out and see how long it had been and what I was up to "back then". My last post was June...but was that 6/08 or 6/07??? Hm. But regardless, these changing times are causing havoc in a lot of my life. Some destructive havoc, and some God havoc that always results in growth and transformation.

I'm learning to play Grandma...sort of. Sitting next to me is a stack of "stuff" that Lillie calls her craft boxes. We do crafts together. With me working on so much wedding stuff it just seems natural for her to have her own little set up. She opens the TV table and brings down her boxes of markers, stamps and paper and we have a good ole time. Give the child some paper, scissors, and crayons and she will be content for HOURS! Sometimes I get very few wedding things accomplished because she likes to have my undivided attention. She's been making "stuff" for the wedd-en. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it really. I mean last night she took and entire pad of small post-it notes (which I would have NEVER let my kids do) and numbered them from 1 to whatever and put them in a container and said "these are fo the wed-en. We have to give one to evey purson" .... ok...so remind me....when she shows up at the wedd-en, will she really be looking for those things????? Like I said..I'm LEARNING to be a grandma. Most of the stuff she has made for the wedd-en has married the trash can. This could be a catastrophe. I'll have to get some sort of plan into action. Hmm. Any comments or ideas would be helpful.

I keep looking for the sun to come up but the street lights are still bright so it must not be a Jimmy Dean morning. Perhaps I'll try for a couple of hours more sleep. Who knows.

REST

2008-06-05T17:18:00.007-05:00

That was a really tough month. Whew. Glad it's over. Here are my text notes after it all:

Pruning ------------------Winds
Dolby Surround sound -----Armour
Firey Arrows -------------Prayer Warrior
Camera Angles ------------Tree Roots
Storms -------------------Attachment
Planting vs uprooting-----Streams

If you know me at all you can probably identify all of those items in my experiences. If not, well, you can guess....but I would have never been able to put the pieces together if I hadn't lived it myself. I still have a tough time putting it all together to make any sense of it.

Right now, I'm "soaking my feet" in the immeasurable bounty of God's love and faithfulness. These feet have been marching on a battlefield as of late. For today, these things are past. For today, God has granted me not only a deeper view of Himself, but also of myself. A battle for exactly what, I'm not sure yet. It could possibly have been just for my peace of mind, but I think there was more. I may never know for sure because I believe I stood firm...stood the test.

If I were a word-smith, as some bloggers I know are, I would write it all down and have your full attention. I would tell you the incredible tale of where I've been and I could write of the unbounded mercies of a loving, powerful and protective God. However, it would have to include the hard work, the commitment it takes to stand firm, to prepare for battle. In the end the story would end with these words:

peace like a river--------- joy set before me
promises kept --------------confidence
intimacy -------------------experiential knowledge
and lack of the right words

What a peaceful place on this porch, resting my feet in the joy of the Lord. The sounds of the birds are a symphony and the bending & swaying of the trees in so longer a replica of my struggle, but in fact, a soothing massage to my soul.

Rest....aaahhhhh.

Today

2008-04-28T12:56:00.003-05:00

I'm tired today. It might be because of that long, long drive from Mankato, MN yesterday (if you like....farmland...take a long drive through the state of Iowa). But I think I'm tired from other things as well.
I'm tired of the rain.
I'm tired of the cold.
I'm tired of watching softball in football weather.
I'm tired of walking on eggshells.
I'm tired of always saying something wrong.
I'm tired of my heart hurting.
I'm just tired.
I want to crawl in a hole with my Friend and spend the week.
A nice warm, dry, sunshiny week.
I'm tired of ants.
Of messy bathrooms and unmade beds.
Why doesn't this craft room stay straightened?
Why does the wireless Internet thingy continue to not want to co-operate????
Why does the price of fuel continue to soar?

I know there is an absolute truth in the Word that I should be focusing on.
I know there is a way out from under these trials...God promises there is.
But today? I'm also tired of trying to work at resting in Him.
Today I'm just gonna be tired. I'm gonna give myself permission to not make the bed (oh, wait, I already did that)
Today I'm gonna give myself permission to let the ants have a party. (Oh, wait, I've already done that)
Well, today I'm just not going to use the Internet...oh, bummer (I'm already doing that)

Shoot. Today. It's half over. I'm going for a run. Maybe I'll feel better when I get back.

More and Less

2008-04-12T10:51:00.004-05:00

During my study of Samuel this morning , I think God has revealed a truth that may escort me through this new phase of parenting that I find myself in.

When Samuel died, there was no big event commemorating his life. Scripture just say "he died...he was buried". Some mourning is recorded, but for a man of God who loved his people all his life; who prayed for them, taught them, interceded for them, a simple "he died" seems, oh....so ordinary. But then the author of this study pointed me to
John 3: 22-36. Some of John the Baptist's disciples were questioning why people were now turning to Jesus for baptism instead of him. John's answer was simple and to the point: "He must become greater. I must become less."

That struck me since I just had a conversation with one of those 3 that I love, pray, teach and intercede for. In order for God to become to them what He is to me, I must decrease. There is a point where there can be no one standing between them and God. Not even me. Wow. And if you get to the bottom of my heart, my prayer for them is and has been that they would know God in the way that I know Him....with no one standing in the way.

I'm on it. Thanks, God, for your unending attention to the details.

It Happened on the Mound

2008-03-15T20:51:00.009-06:00

Funny thing, LIFE.

As I spent the day in Kansas watching softball in 35 degree weather, maybe it was 40 but it was still cold. I wonder why I would do such a thing....drive 5 hours by myself to a rather, oh, dreary looking town from what I can see....to stay in a hotel that, well, let's just say isn't one I would have chosen myself, but then that is a whole new post. And then to sit outside for about 4 hours clothed in layers and wrapped from head to toe in a queen size very thick bedspread to watch what normal people would call a summer sport. The answer became very clear when I realized that I had watch the young woman on the mound grow up on the mound. I was astounded to realize what has happened to her over the years. Yes. She has grown up. So smart and so strong...both physically and spiritually, so full of and the desire to do the right things; wanting to grow up but knowing that means facing a lot of unknowns.

Funny thing, LIFE.

As I spent the day in Kansas watching softball in 35 degree weather, maybe it was 40 but it was still cold. I wonder why I would do such a thing....drive 5 hours by myself to a rather, oh, dreary looking town from what I can see....to stay in a hotel that, well, let's just say isn't one I would have chosen myself, but then that is a whole new post. And then to sit outside for about 4 hours clothed in layers and wrapped from head to toe. And in the same 24 hours I got a phone call from my first born as she and her fiancee were, if you can believe it, stealing hidden Easter eggs from an anticipated hunt...they were laughing and ribbing each other....it was the neatest thing to see her stepping into the next phase of her life with a young man that we could not have special ordered any better for her. (Not that I was necessarily proud of her for stealing Easter eggs....they did check out the hunt and it was for adults and they were going to pay the fee and join in legally.) In the same 24 hours I was praying for my son, who at 19 (well, he'll be 20 in a few weeks) was giving a message at our church service....WOW.

LIFE .

It seems to have passed so quickly. Not that it's over by any means. We still have college graduations and weddings and grandchildren to love if God wills it so. But I can't help but stop today and think about my life. The trials and the blessings. Hmmm...sometimes those have butted up next to each other.
I don't really know that I have any place to go with this. I'm sitting in dark hotel room. The tv is off. The air conditioner is on. Steph is asleep. Good friends are playing washers out in the atrium in front of my room. And oh, I just signed up for Facebook and had a tutorial from Steph on how to maneuver things there. Why? I guess it's just LIFE. Will I spend much time on Facebook? I seriously doubt it. But it did give me an hour or so of undivided time with my daughter. It did give us cause to laugh. And I did get to "poke" Zachary. I'm pretty sure that gave him a laugh. I got to post pictures in an album labeled "My Fam-the people I love most" for all my friends to see.

Is that what living life to the fullest is? Is that part of the abundant life Jesus promised me? Facebook? Washers? Softball? Friends? Laughter? Sons? Daughters? Spouses? Tonight I think so.

My LIFE is good. The blessing are too numerous to count.

A "Touchy" Subject

2008-02-29T12:20:00.005-06:00

OK. so here's one for you.

For the past week or so, I've had...motivation to dive into the Word about sex. Outside of and in marriage. The authors have a strange way of talking about the same act in different contexts...with different words....then English translations have their own set of words for different accounts...it was all pretty confusing. I have spent hours doing word searches, verse comparisons, word comparisons....language comparisons, like Hebrew and Greek, then Hebrew and English, then Greek and English. And even English and English! My notebook is filled with definitions and random thoughts (some of them possibly not so random as they seemed). It's loaded with word searches and comparisons till I finally got to the place that if I had to try to find something in my notes I would need a GPS to find it!

After all my searching I would like to tell you that I had discovered THE verse that answered my questions but this is what I actually came away with. I hope readers will find it as interesting a thought as I did.

First of all, Satan is crafty. Way craftier than we give him credit for, I'm afraid.

Secondly, God, in His infinite wisdom created sex for not only our pleasure but as a binding agent. It's what makes two one...and mystery that we don't understand.

third...that marriage, where 2 are mysteriously intertwined as one by the act of sexual intercourse, is in fact the intended reflection of Christ and His Church.

So my thoughts are this...Satan's attempt at disarming that which was intended to reflect God is his main focus. His main objective would then be to reduce sex to a base need of man...a menial part of our existence. Even a recreation.

I spoke earlier of Satan's craftiness. And here is where my winning thought of the day comes in. When we are young (especially today, in our society where the truth has been so whitewashed if not blotted out) Satan convinces us that our value is dependent on our attraction to and by the opposite sex, and it comes in various forms:

you're not a man if you haven't had sex

no boy is going to date you if you don't "put out"

you must have sex with him if you intend to keep him

you're value as "one of the guys" is how many girls you've slept with

I'm sure you could come up with some of your own.

Then as a married couple the lies come at us in these forms:

she's says she has a headache because she's really not interested in you any longer

the grass is greener on the other side of the fence

if he really loved me he would care more about my needs

all he wants me for is sex

Again, you could probably add to the list.

Then there are the lies that Satan aims at those who may have lived a particularly promiscuous life:

You are used

who would want to be with you

you'll never find a man to love you with your past

and I think maybe those thoughts are aimed mainly at women....I haven't had much conversation with men about their sex lives. :)

so this is what I put together about Satan's craftiness that we just seem to miss.

He has convinced us that we aren't desirable if we don't have sex outside of marriage...the marriage bed sucks (pardon my language)...and if you've had sex outside of marriage you aren't worthy. Wow. Has he got the wool pulled over our eyes! I was dumbfounded with the level of darkness he has covered us in. Are we that stupid that we aren't putting the pieces together? How can a person be undesirable if they don't have sex and that same person be used if they do???? Think about it.

Waiting and Watching

2008-02-26T10:23:00.003-06:00

It's been a long time since I've been here. Possibly because I have only time to check e-mails and run. Possibly because nothing has been going on. (Ha) But more than anything I think God has been positioning me towards some new things, some deeper level things. Maybe. But I thought that today, before I headed to the doldrums of payroll and bills I would reflect to myself about where my heart is and where it feels like it's headed. Probably more for me than for anyone else who might have an interest in my thoughts. Sometimes I wish I were a great writer...like the author of www.fogparty.blogs.com . I like Steve's description...he is a "wordsmith". I like that. I would love to be a "wordsmith", then I could truly grasp my feelings and put them into words...so hard to do sometimes.

I'm peaceful today (cold but peaceful). I wasn't so much so yesterday. Struggling, you know, with the realities of life. One would think after 53 years the realities of life would be pretty obvious. I suppose different life stages bring different realities.

I love being a wife and mom. I've said it before and I imagine you could probably expect to see it on my tombstone..."She loved being a wife and mom more than life itself." Perhaps women with careers, have distractions when their role as a mom takes on a different parameter. And I think I've adjusted well (not easily, mind you) to the differing "needs" of my kids. But I find myself at another crossroads...that being having to look sin square in the face....their sin. Knowing the mistakes they are making and having to sit and watch it happen. Deciding how you are going to handle things when the chips fall ....and having a pretty good idea of where that is going to be. They aren't necessarily listening, well, maybe they listen but are not hearing, your admonishments and you KNOW when the chips fall, they will be at your side for comfort. This is hard. But the real test for me here, and I find God "testing" me a lot these days...is knowing what God wants from me.

I learned that things don't always seem as they appear. That while things may look like "nothing" is happening or the "wrong things" are happening, God is working behind the scenes to accomplish something much bigger than I could dream or imagine. So one of my struggles is "waiting". Waiting is not something I do with ease, nor is it my first inclination. Nor, as I think about it, do I particularly enjoy it. So now not only am I having to wait, but I'm also denying myself(...who needs fasting when you have to wait????). And I don't think I am waiting solely on what God is going to do....but waiting on what God wants me to do for Him....or better...waiting to find out what God wants to do through me. Maybe it's nothing but to wait. To not get in His way...I've certainly gotten in His way with surprising ease.

So today, I think peace stems not from conclusions, or answered prayers, or repentant children, but from the experiential knowledge I have that God is at work. Acceptance of the fact that things not looking as I expect them or prefer them IS the way God intends them. After all, our lives are for His purposes not our own. So while I'm in the middle of watching one I love potentially make some pretty costly decisions, I am experiencing that peace that surpasses understanding.

I continue to...I'm looking for the right word......surround is not strong enough...steep is not deep enough... I continue to wage this war for the lives of my children and husband in prayer...prayer of the Word back to it's Author...claiming for them His promises and His attributes...standing in the gap for them as Moses did for his self-described "stiff-necked" people. Waiting, yes, waiting for the Author of our lives to fill me in. And I watch with anticipation. For if He calls me to do something, it will be something new and I will gain a deeper level of understanding and love for Him. If He calls me to wait and watch, I get the same results...how can I loose?

For the Jewels in my life

2008-01-25T13:02:00.000-06:00

I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid.
But you were there with me.
Yes, you were there with me.

And I didn't even know
That I had lost my way.
But you were there with me.
Yes, you were there with me.

Until you opened up my eyes
I never knew,
That I couldn't ever make it without you.

Even though the journey's long
And I know the road is hard,
You're the One who's gone before me,
You will help me carry on.

And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth.
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.

And as I travel on the road
That you have led me down,
You are here with me
Yes, you are here with me.

And I have need for nothing more
Now that I have found
That you are here with me,
Yes, you are here with me.

I confess from time to time
I loose my way
But you are always there to bring me back again.

Even though the journey's long,
And I know the road is hard,
Well, the One who's gone before me,
He will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through,
Now I realize the truth,
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.

Sometimes I think of where it is I've come from
And the things I've left behind
All I have and all I possess,
Nothing can quite compare with
What's in front of me,
Yea, what's in front of me

Even though the journey's long,
And I know the road is hard,
You're the One who's gone before me
You will help me carry on.
And after all that I've been through
Now I realize the truth
That I must go through the valley
To stand upon the mountain of God.

I thought that I was all alone,
Broken and afraid
But you are here with me,
You are here with me.

Yes, I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.
Third Day

Lessons Learned

2007-12-20T10:04:00.000-06:00

Sometimes quietly.

Sometimes loud and absolutely identifiable.

Sometimes in parts...like a mini-series.

The bottom line is one must always be available and listening to what God is ready to reveal. While I have struggled lately with some family issues at home, still trying to figure out how to be this "new" kind of mom to my adult children, God has used that struggle to sort of lay out the way it's supposed to be. Things between parents and their children change. And I'm sure that is the way it is supposed to be. Like it or not. I have to be willing let go of what used to be in exchange for what will be. The seen for the unseen I suppose. Being led by the Spirit is quite a trip really. And if you aren't walking with intent on following you may just miss one of the episodes that completes the lesson.

Do I want to go into detail? Hmmm...probably not since others are part of it....but just let me say that God used my relationship with my own mom.....the very things that I wished were different with us....to shed light on the struggle I was having with one of my own. Put the brakes on, I did. Can I tell you how many times I've told them that I want a different kind of relationship with them?

Now it's clear. (at least for this issue)

Now it's workable.

But this morning I would still be in a fog...disheartened to the core if I had not been willing to listen to the Voice of truth.

Willing to be transformed in yet another way.

That's the walk.

One step at a time.

Music to the Heart

2007-11-29T09:02:00.000-06:00

OK...I know I'm a sap for a good song.....but I have to share this one....yes, I cried. And I listened to it at least 5 times in the car. Go ahead and laugh. It's ok.

Never mind...the lyrics aren't in the little cd thingy...I'll have to listen to it AGAIN and write them....maybe tomorrow.

Heritage On A Rock

2007-11-24T12:01:00.000-06:00

Today I'm in the middle of a 3 day decorating extravaganza, as is my custom on the weekend after Thanksgiving. All the winter/Christmas decorations (yes, winter...I change some of my decor with the seasons) come out of the basement and for 3 days I play with evergreen, snowmen and old Christmas photographs. My family seem to make themselves "unavailable" during this weekend....hmmmm...but that's OK, I'd rather do it alone with old Christmas movies running in the background.

I wanted to share what I hope to become a new Thanksgiving tradition in our house. But first let me give you some background. I am a follower of Jesus Christ which firmly plants my feet in the New Testament. However, if I could only have one testament, I would be hard pressed not to choose the Old. Why? I don't really know. God made some promises to me through the words of the OT when I was a new believer and I've hung onto them with all my heart. The very first being my life verse....well, not a verse, really, more like a life passage...you would know that it would take more than one verse to impact my life...it took a couple of paragraphs! :)

Anyway, I spiderweb...sorry. Thanksgiving Dinner. Do you like stories? One of the things we miss in our culture today are stories. Those narratives that used to be shared generation to generation. You know..."I used to walk to school. barefoot. 10 miles." Not really. I'm talking about the stories about life. We all like to hear about how our dads asked our moms to marry them. Or about how we were born. I know that stories are important to God. Obviously. He gave us tons of books with all kinds of stories. Stories about Him. About a people that He loved. A people that He would die for. He even instructed us to tell the stories...over and over again. He even gave instructions to Joshua to build a stone memorial to the parting of the Jordan River expressly for the purpose of causing conversation between those that crossed on dry land and those yet to come. So, I got this idea from a previous pastor of ours and I brought it to the table...literally. The Thanksgiving Day dinner table.

I bought 2 bags of river rocks (ideally I would have gone to the river and picked some up myself, washing and baking to dry them...but Michael's sells a pretty mean bag of river rocks already cleaned, dried and polished. I thought the polished stones were OK since those 12 rocks that came out of the dry river bed were probably pretty smooth) and I used them as part of the table decorations. After dinner everyone was given a black sharpie and we began to tell stories of times in our life that we knew God was present and alive in what was going on around us. Then we wrote a keyword on the stone with our name on the back...a keyword that would remind us of the story. Then after the story was told, each rock went into a jar that now sits on my fireplace hearth. It's amazing to hear how God brought your kids to where they are. You see it happening but you don't always know how they got there. And for them, the kiddos, they heard some stuff from us that they didn't know before. We had lots of tears and lots of laughter. And certainly some memories actually being made. The whole idea is heritage. To know the stories. To glorify God as the reason for the person you see. And it was so awesome.

I think one of the best things, and there were a couple of "best things", was the fact that at our table sat 2 young men whose whole lives are ahead of them. One, Katie's fiance, Carlie, has grown up in church and believes on the Lord as his Saviour, but may have never seen it lived out day by day as in our family. He now has an idea of the legacy that has been left for his family and that he can tap into it easily enough. He had 2 stories of his own to share....and while he was obviously nervous, the stories were vibrant and had impact on us all. The 2nd was Ryan. If you know us, you know Ryan. Ryan only had 1 story...and I say 1 with emphasis because it will no doubt the the story of his life. He chose a black rock. And it was decided that his would be the only black rock in the jar. He wrote "seeing what is important"...and he preceded to account for stepping out of the dark and into the light. The thing that to me was so cool was the fact that he, as a new believer, looks at Steve and me and sees maturity. He sees something that I think he wants in his own life. Our stories showed him that we haven't always been what he sees today. Our stories told of a God of Detail...a God of transformation. A God who rescues. A God who took lives much like his own and like the potter at the wheel, remade the pot as He saw fit. I ask you, is not this the coolest thing ever?

I suppose I won't know how it really impacted anyone until a future Thanksgiving Day dinner when we are all sitting around reminiscing about the days of old. But there is one thing I do know. God wants us to share our stories. Not just to our kids but to their kids as well. I hope this is a start to a tradition that we share at Thanksgiving meals for many years to come.

And just in case you are wondering....my life "passage" is found in the Old Testament in the book of Jeremiah. Chapter 18. I'm sure it's no coincidence that God gave me that passage for my life considering from where I came and that which He has prepared in advance for me to do.

Back to the Future

2007-11-08T08:28:00.000-06:00

Ok...enough of the past....I was just so amazed at what God has been up to...and while I've actually been living it, it still comes as an amazing thing.

Today the sun is shinning even though it is cold and it's going to be a great day. This week we begin to plan for the future......a wedding!!!!! Our oldest daughter accepted the proposal of a young man that we are very excited to have in our family. A wedding is planned for Oct 4, 2008 and the Bride to Be has hit the floor running....they were engaged on Sunday and by last night the ceremony venue was secured (the Conservatory on Main street) and the reception hall was decided upon. Such fun!!! Mother of the Bride! Yikes! My biggest fear? Having to get all dressed up...I wonder if the make sweat suits in linen? :)

I've learned something else this week...and not something that I'm really excited about. In fact, I could be a little discouraged but I'm choosing not to be. Have you ever shared the gospel with someone who said "yea, I understand what you are saying, but I don't want that. I'm not ready to give up what I'm doing for that"? I have. And it can be very frustrating. So now in this obedience to sharing my life with others, turning them toward God (I think we call it disciples making disciples)....I have found that even though one may claim to be a believer, they don't always want to hear the truth. They will even argue with you about what Scripture says to be true. Am I weird that I take it all as written? How is it that someone can pick and choose what they want to believe and have any faith at all in that which they say they believe? It's confusing to me. So as some choose to live their lives looking for the feel good stuff, I have to trust that God has called me to turn people toward Him....I have to be able to let go of those who see life differently...information vs transformation I guess. Here's the thing....I don't see myself softening up the truth or denying the truth to keep a disciple. Is that wrong? I mean, when do you hang in there because transformation just may not be on my timeline and when do you say...I'll be here when you are ready for truth? I'm just a little confused. I just can't say "Well, this is what God says, but if you want to do it differently that's ok with me. We will just study the things you want to do." Especially when it is those very truths that could change their lives!!!!! I shake my head in frustration.

So off I go....looking forward to the day and the weekend. Steph is coming home tomorrow for a family fix and we go Sat morning to secure a reception hall....and Zach? God is doing some truly amazing things....it's exciting to wait for his walking into the house at night to find out what God has revealed by the end of the day...it seems to be something new every day. Thanks to those of you who are investing your time in him........

Let The Battle Begin...a journal entry

2007-11-01T15:25:00.000-06:00

11/10/05
I'm in warfare. A battle for the lives of my young children.

Joshua 14:12

Now give me this hill country that the Lord promised me that day. You, yourself heard then that the Anakites were there and their cities were large & fortified, but the Lord is helping me, I will drive them out just as He said.

14:13 Then Joshua blessed Caleb, son of Jepbunneh and gave him Hebron as his inheritance....because he followed the Lord with his whole heart.

14:15 Then the land had rest from war.

Caleb made decisions based on what he believed about God. His faith in who God was and what God had promised far out weighted what the circumstances looked like. His decision to trust God at His word and act accordingly pleased the Lord and the Lord gave Caleb and his inheritance rest from war.

How difficult it is sometimes to keep circumstances at bay and set our heart and eyes on things above. There was very little support system for Caleb- one or two out of what, 24,000?!! Yet he kept his "heart" focused on God's promise.

I don't have people around me like Caleb did, throwing seeds of doubt my way--only my own thoughts. They must be arrows of doubt from Satan. I will combat them with my sheild of faith-believing what I can't see. Trusting in the promises God has given me. Trusting in my God who has provided for and taken care of me before. The God who gave Caleb rest from war is the very same, exact God who cares to know my name. Rest for me will come. This particular battle in this big war will be won. Then I will have another memorial, another marker of God's outstanding care for me and my descendants.

Oh to be 10!..a journal entry

2007-11-01T15:13:00.000-06:00

11/5/05
I find myself, yet again, captivated by the colors of fall. And even though, generally speaking, colors haven't been widespread, God, in His attention to the details of my life, has poured buckets of reds, yellows and oranges in my own front yard. Two days ago I dragged Steve outside to see the street side of the tree on the left. Even though they are both October Glory Maples, the one on the left has the most stunning array of colors. The one on the right waits about a week longer to change and it doesn't have all the yellows in it; tons of red and green still, so I'm sure if the left one wasn't there I would think the right one was beautiful, but as it is, the left one captivates me. It draws my eye and makes me tilt my head to take in the entire picture. One day I went into the yard to stand under it and look up through it! Oh to have been 10 years old! I would have climbed up into it and sat for hours!

A NEW THING...a journal entry

2007-10-26T09:49:00.000-05:00

11/4/05

I am in this place of waiting. This place of absolute stillness. A stillness-almost like a void- that would frustrate me if I didn't have this deep sense of God working on something. He is up to something. Since my trip to Jekyll Island I have known He was doing something new.

Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past.

For I AM starting up a new thing. Now it is springing up.

Do you not perceive it?

I Am making a way in the desert, and streams in the wasteland.

Is 41:18-19

Those were His words to me in the spring of this year. Those were His promises to my hurting heart. In the time that has passed since then I have been taken into a deeper relationship of faith and prayer. I guess I still don't see the "thing" that He is up to...but I have grown into this most awesome relationship with the Lord.. but, you know, that relationship just might be the very thing He was starting! How exciting is that? From where I'm sitting there really isn't anything I would trade today for the relationship that He has brought me to. I guess I would exchange y life with the Lord for my kids to have one like this with Him, but I rest in the truth that they belong to Him and no one can snatch them out of His hand. And they are in His hand.

So I sit still in my heart. A heart that used to cry out "Fix it!" and wonder at the things He is teaching me...knowing that He is God.

Be still and know that I AM God. (Ps 46:10)

10/26/07 This is the journal entry that caused me to start writing them on my blog. It's been almost 2 years to the day that I made this entry. Today I am absolutely sure of the "new thing", and while I rejoice in that deeper relationship He began to build with me in 2004, that was definitely the foundation of the things He has planned for me before time began. Not only do I SEE the new thing springing up, but I'm LIVING the new thing. Nothing short of raising my kiddos has brought me such joy.

LONELY....BUT NOT ALONE

2007-10-23T06:32:00.000-05:00

Hesitation marks my heart this morning. As I've set out to share with you a life that has been changed, I wanted to share how God has meticulously done that. While my walk with my Lord has been over 20 years now, some things have been resolved only in the past 2 years or so. Of course, as it seems to be the way of God, He never reveals it all at once anyway, so it's understandable why it seems to take some things so long to surface and have resolution.
My hesitation comes from a couple of things really. First of all, journals are personal. I write things in them that I wouldn't necessarily share with friends and family. So to put it here makes me vulnerable to your judgement and criticism. Also, some of the entries involve my relationships with my family. While I would never knowingly publish anything that would be harmful to them, I never know how some things could impact them. And lastly, I think there is a certain level of protection in you not knowing my weaknesses. Or my struggles. Or my sin. But therein lies the reason for sharing. I think there may be one or two of you out there who look at me like I used to look at some of the older women in my first "believing" congregation. I knew I wanted to be them when I grew up. So if you want to be "like me" when you "grow up", I suppose it's helpful to know a bit of the entire story.
So I share this next journal entry hesitantly, but with the hope that you believe that God has a plan for YOUR life, just as He has one for mine. And so the story unfolds......
10/31/05
What is wrong with me Lord? Why do I feel so empty inside? Why so lonely? With all I have around me, why so alone? If it weren't' for my time with you each day I think I would loose it. What am I not doing right? What am I missing? I'm willing to do and to be what you want. I just don't want to be so lonely anymore. Isn't my marriage supposed to be more than this? Isn't there supposed to be a connection you can feel? I understand about love and commitment. I'm not talking fireworks here, Lord. I just want to belong...to somebody.....somewhere.
Isn't it enough that I belong to you, you ask? Your grace is sufficient for me, you remind me. Why does that stop the tears but not mend the brokenness? It brings comfort and assurance to know that I am yours. But there is still that longing in my soul to belong somewhere. To be important to someone. I'm sure this is where many long marriages end. I can see why. When you get old enough to see your kids off and running, starting new lives, new loves; leaving you behind in an empty world. One void of need for you.
What am I doing wrong? My days are filled with empty activities; conversations of a life that has passed me by. Absence of the kids really highlights the absence of ...whatever. The only thing that has strengthened over the last years is my relationship with you. I'm thankful for that. Without it things might be way different today.
Lord, I really want that deep relationship with my husband. I want that 'one-ness'....that if we parted I wouldn't feel like I couldn't go on. As it stands now I feel like he could definitely go on without me. Why is it like that? Where have we gone wrong? Why isn't he interested in being closer? He never ask me questions about why I'm hurting. Or why I'm lonely. I even told him yesterday that I was so lonely. And that I was hurting. He didn't even ask me why.
What is it you want from me Lord? You've taken me into this isolation chamber. It hurts to be alone. Even more so when there are people around me. What am I supposed to be doing? Waiting? Being still? I look to you for that power and that strength. It doesn't come easily to be still and wait. But I know you are God. I know that you know my heart. I know that you know how it hurts. I trust you with my heart like I trust you with the lives of my kids. Give me what I need to be still and wait. Peace. Comfort. Help me remember your promises O Lord. Search my heart and show me any evil ways inside me.. May my heart dwell in you all day, every day. I call upon you Lord to remove this cover of darkness, loneliness, emptiness today. Help me to do things today for you Lord and to find joy in the doing. IJN, Amen

Is Your Coat One Of Many Colors....a journal entry

2007-10-22T11:16:00.000-05:00

10/24/05

I'm sure that Joseph and even his brothers saw what they did to him as evil. But maybe God didn't see it as evil. Our limited understanding of life in it's entirety from eternity to eternity will always sell us short. We see in Scripture that Joseph's brothers think about killing him. That did not happen. From that moment, and even before, God's plan had been put in motion. I don't think , well, maybe I think, that it's possible that God didn't see the brothers' actions as "evil", but as the method to get Joe to the position he wanted him. If there is a purpose for everything that happens in our lives, then it was necessary for Joe to experience every single thing he went through. Surely God could have elevated Joseph to that position without all the struggle, but would he have been the same kind of leader?

So when things around me look hopeless, a fear sets in because I don't understand- or when fear sets in because I think I do understand- maybe it's not evil at all. Maybe God is bringing circumstances into my life, and the lives of those I love, for a greater purpose.

My God is Josephs God.

My God is Jacob's God.

I will stand firm on my faith.

I will believe in what I don't see because of what I have seen.

because of the hand of the Mighty One of Jacob

because of the Shepherd

the Rock of Israel

because of the God who helps me

because of the Almighty who blesses me: with blessings of the heavens above, blessings of the deep that lie below, blessings if the breast and womb.

My soul finds rest in God alone. My salvation comes from Him. He alone is my Rock and my Salvation. He is my Fortress. I will not be moved. Psalm 62:1-2

10/22/07 As I sit and ponder these journal entries of 2 years ago, I'm amazed at where I was and where I am. The two positions are so...well, so linear. I've never thought of life being linear but today from where I sit it is absolutely clear how God led me from there to here. It's pretty humbling to know that God's hand is at work in my life to such an extent. If you don't journal,I encourage you to do so. It's a remarkable journey when one chooses to walk with God. In His Care.....Judy

Monday Mornings...a journal entry

2007-10-22T11:05:00.000-05:00

10/24/05

Another Monday morning...I love Monday mornings! Really! I'm going to spend extra time in prayer & study.... and it's cleaning day!!! I love to clean my house.... and do laundry. It's two of my fav's.

It's the beginning of a good week..or maybe a good beginning of the week. God has affirmed to me that He is at work. He is starting something new. Even though I only perceive His confirmations that He is up to something, I believe those confirmations....I believe His Word...so I'm waiting in expectation for its completion. I will not, however cease to pray. I will continue to seek God's wisdom, His ezer kenegdo, I will continue to seek His guidance and trust His promises.

Details.

He has proven to me that He is my God of Details.

Catch Them....a journal entry

2007-10-20T08:22:00.000-05:00

10/23/05
There is so much I want to know. So many answers I would love to have. Trust. Dependence. Surrender. Some days are better than others.

I refuse to give into disparity. I will not loose faith in the future. Turn my burdens into bridges.
I refuse to loose faith in what I believe.
I have to let go and trust in the providence of God. Aim them in the right direction and trust God.

The trapeze artists in the circus....there is always a flyer and a catcher. The flyer's job is to fly as high as he can and in one brief moment, when he reaches the highest point, he is totally still. His job, his part is over, now it's the catcher's job. God is the catcher. Point yourself in the right direction and trust God to catch you.

When everything looked bleak to Moses' parents, they hid him and protected him for 3 years. Then they set him afloat, in a basket, (in the very river that Pharaoh had ordered baby boys to be drowned in) --trusting their God (my same God of Detail) to catch him. When everything looked bleak to Moses' parents they hid him.....When things look bleak in the life of my kids, I hide them... in prayer. Moses' parents (or his sister who I'm sure must have been directed by her parents) watched him float down the river to the safety of the arms of the princess, the daughter of the Pharaoh. God used the house of Pharaoh, the very source of the danger, to 'catch' Moses. I've hid them, protected them and prayed for them....now I'm going to watch my kids float down the river of life and trust that God is going to catch them.

a Journal Entry......

2007-10-17T05:55:00.000-05:00

I bring this to you with the hopes that her life will impact you the way it has mine. My prayer is that you will see the hand of God the way I do when I read it.....
10/19/05

It's a beautiful fall morning. Outdoors. But today I am changed.. Well, maybe not changed, yet, but when God reveals something deep in your soul, you can't go unchanged. You won't be the same. So I sit down this morning to put my thoughts on paper. For two reasons: 1) there are so many and they need some sort of organization in my head and 2) sadly, I have no one to talk to about it. But that's okay. God, through His grace and mercy, has brought me to this point and I have confidence that He will see me through as He works out the details. After all, he is my God of Details.

Where to begin. If you are reading this then you are most likely one of my children or grandchildren (oh my gosh!) No matter if you are male or female let me encourage you to read 'Captivating' by Stasi & John Eldridge. I will guard my copy for you--Suzanne & Leigh, I hope you have read yours. Anyway. God has used the experiences and the words in this book to show me a side of myself that He loves. So here I go. Trying to organize my thought to see what God wants me to do with them.

I've never felt very pretty. Never. Where did that come from? These things have come to my mind. This first few are very old memories from around age 5-7.

Age 5 I had a new outfit. It must have been the beginning of kindergarten (because I remember where we lived- heck, I remember being that little girl.) I couldn't, no, I wasn't more than 5 or 6. I had on my new red sweater, red plaid, pleated, wool skirt and red knee socks. My hair was long and curly. My mom had pulled it up into a half-pony tail and it (and my skirt :) bounced as I skipped from my bedroom, around the corner into the living room to show my dad how wonderful I looked in my new outfit. I'm not sure what he thought about the clothes, but I will never forget his words (I was 5 then and today I'm 51)---"You'll never be very pretty"...no, he said..."I guess you'll never be very pretty, will you?" I didn't skip back to change clothes. I no longer felt like bouncing. I remember hanging my head.

The second memory is a little more vague. Only because I think it happened more than once. Still it was before 5th grade that I can remember specific incidents but my heart tells me i heard this more than one time. Catalogs. What little girl didn't love looking at catalogs? I did. My mom bought my clothes through Sears and Penny's catalogs so each season, especially for new school clothes, we would sit down and wander through the latest edition-pause- I wonder why this is so hard to write? I can have the memories in my head but putting it on paper hurts. OK. We would look at the pages and I loved looking at the pretty dresses on the pretty young, blond models. I thought they were so pretty! I would point one out that I wanted and Mom would say...I can't pinpoint exact words-something about not looking at the girls- what looks good on them won't look good on me. I can, however, describe the exact feelings I had. They were blond, my hair was dark. they were skinny, I was fat. (Whether or not I was is still a question). My physical qualities just didn't measure up. I think that most of the clothes we ordered came off of the pages where there were no models.

The third thing I can recall specifically that impacted the way I saw myself physically happened during adolescence. Those awful years of self-discovery and identification. Dad is no longer in the picture. He's been gone about---(so many memories come flooding back when I think of his absence. At about age 10....maybe my 9th or 10th birthday, mom and dad were separated. Dad came to pick us up for a weekend visit-how awkward it was to spend the night with someone you didn't even know- & he was your dad! He brought me a gift. When I opened it, it was a set of 2 birds to hang on the wall.....pink, chalk cock-a-toos. To hang on a wall!!!! "He doesn't even know me well enough to buy a gift for me." That was my thought) But back to high school. Mom and Dad are divorced. Dad has been "out of residence" for about 3 or 4 years. And Mom, God love her, is trying to survive as a single mom in a couple's world. A lot of things went on during this time---I needed a 'mom' more than the 'friend' she wanted to be. But the incident, and this kind of thing happened on more than one occasion, the one I can really remember was being in a boutique with Mom while she was shopping for new clothes. Remember, I' m about 17. She was about 37. I'm in the shop with her and the sales clerk starts going on and on about how young she looked. How thin she was and how she looked like my sisiter instead of my mom. I don't think I was jealous of my mom (even though she accused me of that when I tried to share how it made me feel). I very quietly put what I needed from her away because I felt she needed and deserved this new life she had started. But, still, those kind of comments from outsiders cemented the strong belief I had that I wasn't very pretty. I distinctly remember thinking "Here I am the teenager and she's getting all the attention".

Through the years I can recall many incidents that provided confirmation in my mind of that first declaration regarding my beauty---the one from the only man in my life. So over the course of time I learned that if I couldn't be 'attractive' to people, if I wasn't lovable by sight then I could be lovable by what I could do for people. Be a helper!! Be good. Make good grades. Not give my mom any grief since my brother already provided enough of that. My mom needed a respite from struggling teens. I could do that. My dad needed me to love him in spite of his behavior. I could do that. M mom needed me to go to college and get a job I would be good at. I could do that. My first marriage was a need fulfilled...not necessarily mine. A heart had been broken and needed to be healed. I remember thinking I should get married because he was exactly the kind of man my mom wanted. (Suzanne, I know how this might make you feel but know that I am sitting here thinking of you. This doesn't mean I didn't love your dad. I did. The loss of our marriage was huge---a huge devastation in my life. I guess I thought he would always need me and one day I awoke and he didn't need me anymore)

I sit here and love my husband with all my heart. God has grown this marriage, this love, into something that I can't imagine, or ever want to live without. When our relationship first began, however, it ,for me, was need based. I thought he needed me. He was new to the area (well, not really, but I thought he was), he was very sad from the loss of a relationship that involved a child....and guess what? I could help him overcome that! He was newly sober (I could help him with that? Ha!) And he had very personal needs that I did help him with. He needed me for that, too. Then.

---Funny---when that 'need' was no longer there, that part of our live evaporated....

The same with friends.....good friends came with needs.

The same with ministry.....when I wasn't 'needed' anymore I moved on.

The same with....wait.....my kids! This has been the hallmark of my love of parenting. THEY NEEDED ME!!! They don't NEED me anymore. I see that it is also the main ingredient of my woes in empty nesting. They don't need me.

When being 'needed' has been the foundation of our life for so long, where do you go when you are no longer needed? If you equate who you are and how much you are loved, even your very value, with how much you're needed, where is there to go when you no longer perceive your need?

If I could identify, and now I can sort through the whys, the one thing that keeps me so emotionally separated from my husband , it would be my deep seated desire to be needed. And he has to be one of the most ferociously independent people I know. I've always felt that he doesn't really need me. That probably any woman could step into my role here at home and he would be content (that does make me cry however). But I've never fully understood how I've operated my life from the standpoint of how much I'm needed. This is huge for me. We all need a reason to be loved and since I wasn't going to be loved and sought after for my beauty then I would take care of people. Then I would be loved. Proof was in the pudding. I have always felt loved because I helped people. When I could no loner help, I moved on. Looking for love...maybe ,more like loooking for validaiton. If people needed me and I could help, then I was valuable. If I wasn't needed..if I'm not needed, then of what value am I?

So that's where I stand today. That little girl who was told that she would never be very pretty, has spent a lifetime looking for value in being needed. God says there is much more. My tomorrows are going to be different than my yesterdays. I'm looking down a path from a crossroad.

My kids no longer need me like they used to.

I probably don't see how Hubby really does love me.

My friendships with other women changed dramatically when Rachel moved (how? you might ask....there haven't been any -none that I let in that close.)

I sense that God is up to something (Isiah 41:18 & 19). I think my life is about to be changed. I don't hold any bitterness or resentment toward my parents. I've forgiven myself for the mistakes I made. God has been so good to me and has built a life for me and my family that is far sweeter than I could have ever dreamed or imagined---in spite of myself. And I thank Him for it daily.

Today, hoverer, is a new day. I'm asking Him to reveal to me the woman He created me to be, to release me from the burden of needing to be needed; from the burden of finding my value in how and how much I am needed. I want to see myself as He sees me. To be all He created me to be. I don't have to be needed to be of value. After all, God does not need me but He valued me enough to die for me.

I love your, Lord Jesus. Who am I that you would care to know my pain? Who am I that you would care about my life? Who am I that before I ever knew you, you would sacrifice your Son for me? I open my heart to you Lord, To see my errors. Willing to be purified. Ready to have the old swept away. Humbly waiting for your truths that will continue to change my life. Help me to see clearly your truths so I can walk in your way. Give me a heart for you that every movement , every beat, pleases you. And give me a hunger for you love and encourage my love for you to grow. I pray that those I come in contact with will see you in me as evident as white tennis shoes in Paris. I love you Lord and I praise you for what you are eoing in the lives of myself and my family. IJN, Amen

A Tapestry

2007-10-14T10:13:00.000-05:00

In my quiet time this morning, here in cold, wet Kirksville, God used an old song, a favorite of mine when I was in high school (like I said....old) to explain to me why people I love sometimes seem to struggle the way they do....even after they give their lives to Him.

I guess it came about because I slept so well last night. I know that sounds funny but I have had trouble sleeping lately. Two nights in the last 3 or 4 months I slept straight through the night. Last night I slept, oh, maybe 10 hours or so....straight. No waking up. Not much tossing and turning for that matter. The only thing I can attribuite it to was going the entire day without....well, I guess it boils down to not worrying about those Jewels who are under the watchful eye of the Diamond Cutter. I would have sworn to you that I wasn't worried....but I must be to some extent. But this is what I came to this morning.

Even though we are all in the plan of God...He promises He has a plan for us....and that plan is to bring Him the glory and honor that alone is His, even though we are all included.....we all look different.....our lives are different and our experiences are different.....even our individual surrenders are different. Like our different lives, in all the vastly different "testimonies" we have, all of our surrenders are different. And they have to be different because all of them together make up a tapestry of what God is doing. Kind of like that ad (i'm not sure what company it is) where hundreds of small individual pictures are placed together, side by side, and create one big picture.

So the lyrics come from a Carole King song.....and here are the words that came to me this morning..

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue

An ever changing vision of the ever changing view.

A wonderous woven mgic in bits of blue and gold

A tapestry to feel and see....impossible to hold.

A tapestry. That's what it is. With color and texture. God is weaving us together...weaving us individually first and then as His Church. So all the bends and turns in our lives, both the good and the bad, are part of the texture of who we are.

Would I rather those I love not have the pain? Absolutely. But I believe that God is using that pain to create a tapestry of His love and His grace....His power to rescue and restore. The pain gives the tapestry texture. I'm sure He would want that not one of His children suffer pain, but I'm positive He uses it.

Today I'm trusting that the pain I see has a purpose and that it will show itself as a intircate part of the life He is weaving. I'm not going to worry again for His Jewels. I'm there when He wants to use me and I'm watching the Master Weaver at work. How exciting. I know they belong to Him and no one is going to snatch them out of His hand

I praise God this morning for His care for my heart as I look to Him for guidance and direction. And if God has crossed your path with mine, know that I love you and want all He has for you. I also understand that God is weaving in His time table not my own. I love you all with my heart and soul........

He moved with some uncertainty as if he didn't know,

Just where he had come from

Or where he ought to go.

Once he reached for something gold and hanging from a tree,

And his hand came down empty.

Soon within my tapestry along the rutted road

He sat down on a river rock, and turned into a toad.

It seemed that he had fallen into someone's wicked spell.

And I wept to see him suffer, though I didn't know him well.

The work has begun. Let's see what God is doing.

a Letter from God to You, His Child

2007-10-12T06:20:00.000-05:00

You've got the whole world on your shoulders,

And it's more than you can bear.

I hear you calling for some help,

But is there anybody there?

Well I'm here to let you know

This was never meant for you.

I know what you are going through.

Come to me weary now

I will lay you down.

Throw all your cares aside.

You will never be denied

Come set your burden free,

You will be safe with Me.

Come to Me weary now,

I will lay you down.

So don't you worry 'bout a thing

I'm gonna get you through the night.

I know you're scared,

But it's gonna be all right.

And if you wake before the light

Don't be afraid.

Just call My Name

I'll hear you pray.

I'm on My way.

Everything's all right

'Cause I AM on your side.

And if you need to, you can hide in Me

'Cause all you need to know

I would never let you go

I'm the Lover of your soul.

words and music by Brandon Heath & Dave Franco

from album "Don't Get Comfortable"

A Self Portrait! YIKES!

2007-10-05T06:56:00.000-05:00

What would someone want to know about me? What can be expressed about me in a photograph? Of all my years of taking pictures (mmm...seriously for about 28), you won't find me in too many of them. Mounds of wonderful scrapbooks for my 3 kiddos and many given away to friends but not many of the photographer. So now I sit looking at a class assignment of a Self Portrait...something that would tell a viewer something about me.

How do you do that when so much of who you are and what you do is intricately woven with an unseen God? Creator of the universe and Shepherd of my heart, but unseen non the less. Apparently people I know and love can see Him in me...or so I've been told. But how does one capture that on film? There are lots of things I could "do", I suppose, to let people in on my daily life. I could cleverly arrange my scrapbook stuff or stand on a chair and take a bird's eye view of the mounds of scrapbook paper I have. Or I could take a picture of my study desk that is covered with prayer journals, study books and different Bible translations. But that is not at all who I am. What I am, who I am is found on a level deep in my heart and just can't be photographed.

So what about this assignment? Maybe I won't be able to show who I am, but just what I do. Maye this time I have to settle for surface stuff. I'm about being totally real but I just can't figure out how to speak through a photograph about what is real with me.

Part of the assignment is about me, I have to be in the frame or at least something related to me (i.e scrapbooks) but the other part has to be about other people in my life....sooooooo....if you are out there and you know I love you (you all know who you are :) don't be dismayed that I have a camera in my hand....for the next 2 weeks you will probably see it....work with me here folks...I will be shooting off frames as much as possible. One thing I have learned is you MUST shoot about 66 frames to get 2 or 3 good shots.

If you have any good ideas about what a self portrait of me would look like I would love to entertain your suggestions. I'm pretty open here since I don't have a clue.

Have a 100% day (I love you KS so expect to see the lens uncovered) and smile....you may be on candid camera!

Judy

Black & White

2007-09-28T08:23:00.000-05:00

While I am in a photography class that is solely black and white photography, my mind doesn't think about photographs today. The last few days have brought many occasions for me to think about life itself in black & white.

How black is black and how white is white? A very wise and godly man once asked me if any of my Biblical beliefs were more abstract than concrete. I had to say yes because some of them are. Some of my beliefs are formed from understanding how God responded to people in the Old Testament, over and over again, as it was.....some of my beliefs are formed from watching
Jesus interact and respond to people in the New Testament. And some of them are in my heart because of God's response to my life because of prayer and obedience.

Other beliefs are there because it's perfectly clear what is expected of a follower of Christ. Some things are just spelled out and obvious.

So what about those abstract things? After all, real life is in living color.

I've found it interesting that things can stay black and white if they don't affect you or those you love. When the impact of real life comes to your front door, a little gray might show itself.

I'm not talking compromise. Compromise is a word that should have only 4 letters and to compromise one's beliefs about God or His statutes is toying around with disaster. (I've seen that, too.) But what about the gray stuff the "abstract stuff? While all of our ideas, thoughts and actions should be sifted through the sieve of God's Word, it seems that some days there is a lot of gray to choose between.

I'm not sure why I'm rambling on here.

We just have a couple of "issues" going on with our family that are exhibiting themselves in not such black and white forms. Is it possible that 2 different postures could please God? Isn't it possible that God can work one thing out in 2 different scenarios?

I learned a long time ago not to put God in a box. Inevitably, it is MY box I put Him in and it is me that is limiting the possibilities. For me to say that my way is the only way is shutting down a whole lot of possibilities. Even if I can hold "my way" in line with the Word, that does not mean that God can't or won't work His plan out in other ways as well.

So, anyway....I'm trying to see all the grays with a #0 filter (you would have to be in my photo class to know what I'm talking about ). Trying to see all the texture, all the shades. Our physical eyes were created to see all the varieties of colors, shades and textures. Maybe God wants the eyes of our hearts to see the same.

2007-09-16T09:43:00.000-05:00

Here I am again.....2 blogs in 2 days....nobody faint....but I have some good news. I have finally found a name for my disciples.....if you know me, you know that when God involves me in the life of another I take it very seriously....I take her into my heart and grow to love her as my own. So the term "disciple" just sounded so....cold. So project like.

I've really thought about this. What fits? What describes them....both to me and to God? After all, they are His....entrusted to me. Big responsibility. So what do I see in them? Potential. Promise. Some of them are a work in progress when I meet them. Some are starting at the very beginning when I cross their path. While a most beautiful picture of them would be flowers unfolding in the light of God's love.....it's much different than that. It's more like the work of a diamond cutter. When the jeweler gets the chunk of metamorphic rock (it doesn't sound very pretty does it?), He begins to shape it. He doesn't send it through a diamond cutter that produces a beautiful clean stone on the other end of a machine. No, he puts on his magnifying glasses and begins to chip away at all the unwanted pieces of the rock. He slowly cuts away all that keeps the rock from showing what's been hiding in the earth...he works diligently at keeping all that makes the rock unique. Slowly but surely he chips away. Not all at once....but little by little. Eventually he designs a beautiful, clear stone that reflects the light back to his eyes. He is thrilled with his workmanship and sets it out for all the world to see.

I see these women like that. What's ahead of them won't be easy. But in each of them I see a diamond in the rough. As God continues to chip away the unwanted pieces of rock, a beautiful reflection of Him shines through. His light shines through their lives. People who knew the untouched piece of rock will now see the reflection of Light that radiates through their every move. How exciting is that to be a part of I ask you? Next to seeing my own children grow in the Lord, I have never experienced anything quite like it.

So to get back to my original thought....I guess they all start out as "disciples" but eventually I see them as Jewels. Precious, beautiful and expensive...remembering that the cost was His very life. I considered Gems....but maybe it's not quite as...precious. We never hear of the Crown Gems...or the Gem of the Nile (yeah, I know the Jewel of the Nile was really Cleopatra, not a stone but you get the picture). When it's exquisite it's a jewel. So with confidence in His promise to finish that which He starts, I already see them as precious jewels. Right now, as He has entrusted them to me, they are Judy's Jewels.....but only for a time. They are truly God's Jewels and He promises that in Zechariah 9:16 & 17:

The Lord their God will save them on that day

as the flock of His people.

They will sparkle in His land

like jewels in a crown

How attractive and beautiful they will be!

So there you are. Jewels...in the making. If you are one of them take heart. Do not be anxious about anything. You are in the hands of the Master Diamond Cutter.

Now for a run.....Judy

Blessings of Simplicity

2007-09-15T08:04:00.000-05:00

I have been so blessed. I have had the privilege of having children of my own flesh and blood and now God has blessed me with spiritual daughters that I am growing to love as if they were my own.

I was in prayer this morning for them all, both physical and spiritual children. I prayed with passion for my disciples....that just sounds so impersonal to me. I'm must come up with some other way to refer to these ladies that I have grown to love...for strength, protection, understanding. I prayed verses for them. I called upon Jesus to honor His words. I prayed with confidence. If you were to read my prayer journal where I keep my prayers as letters to Jesus, you might think I have this praying thing down pretty good. And honestly, truthfully, it was and still is all from my heart. It's sincere. But here is the kicker...after a long discussion with my Lord about those spiritual daughters, I pulled out my prayer journal for my kids and began to pray for my daughter......

She's searching right now. After years and years of claiming the power of God in our Lord Jesus Christ, she now wonders where He is. She sees Him in our lives. But she is not trusting Him with her own. If you've been there you know how that hurts. So I started to pray. One sentence and then He spoke to me. In a small quiet voice....

His eyes are always upon you.

His eyes never close in sleep.

And no matter where you are

You will always be in His eyes.

You see, I used to sing that to them as they left the house every morning. After they were dressed and fed, headed out the door, I would sing that to them. I can see her smiling up at me as she walked down the front sidewalk and then I can remember Zach, when he got in high school trying to get out the door before I finished...laughing.

So, in it's simplicity, this prayer comes back to me and stops me with tears. In it's simplicity it speaks to my heart of God's promise to watch out for her. That no matter where she goes, He will always have His eyes on her. It was a promise I reminded them of so many years ago and now He brings it back to me as a reassurance of those promises.

Simple blessings. Simple prayers. Mighty power.

Is She Crazy???

2007-08-20T09:58:00.000-05:00

Running in the rain!

I'm running in the rain!

A wonderful feeling

I'm hap....

Wait a minute, I'm not happy

I'M WET!

No, really I'm happy, but I am wet. Why? Because I did something only really serious runners do. I did something that sane people wonder about when they see you doing it. I went for a 3 mile run in the rain. 33 minutes in the rain...why?..BECAUSE I CAN!!!!

Do something out of the ordinary today. Not because you should but just because you can. Feel like a kid again. Enjoy something of God today that you haven't noticed in a long time. It's good for the soul!

I'm singing and running in the rain!

an encounter with God...and a raccoon

2007-07-06T06:19:00.000-05:00

Another morning. I love mornings. Well, as long as I'm alone, I love mornings. I love the quiet, my coffee and my time with my God. I usually take my fufu flavored coffee outside to my front porch or to my desk in front of the window and study the Word with the perspective of the trees, the birds and the squirrels (of whom I am not really fond of).

But today it's different. God has brought me to the back yard for our time together...for a word picture...

with a raccoon...

I saw the morning as usual awakening in front of our bedroom window just after the sunrise. I greeted my Lord with "Good Morning!" and continued to thank Him for His many blessings. It's a great time for me with Jesus. We have had some great conversations there. This morning I prayed for my friend. A friend that I know is hurting. I asked for discernment and wisdom to know how God would have me lead her into a closer place with Him. I admitted to Him that I knew He has taken me into a place that will need His total control.....

for I have not the wisdom or the power to get her to where God is obviously leading her.

So here I sit this morning...not at my desk, and not with my study material but on my hubby's new laptop watching the 3rd of 3 Masked Bandits I've managed to corral with a can of cat food and a cage. As I watch, God is showing me a picture of the place my friend is in...

Caged.

This little guy is fighting to get out...
He has more acrobatic moves than you would imagine..
He is fighting for his freedom with every ounce of energy he has...

Sometimes he distracts himself with the empty cat food can, or he sees how far he can stretch his little foot (is it a paw?) outside the cage to scratch on the deck floor; but most of the time he is desperately trying to get out of that cage. He knows there is a cool dark place just out of his reach and after all it is morning and it is time that he go to sleep. I don't know if a baby raccoon would have family loyalty, but yesterday morning he had a sibling and before that a mom that are both now gone from his world. Now he is stuck in the cage.

His life sucks right now.

But here's what the little guy doesn't know....someone is on the way. Someone who actually cares about his life, cares about whether he is old enough to fend for himself or if he should be nursed at the wildlife rescue place. Someone who is willing to take the time to put him in the truck and drive him to the river where he will be in the natural habitat of a raccoon. The raccoon and his family were never intended to live under a deck in suburbia and eat the bird's seed out of their feeders! (It could be that birds weren't intended to eat out of feeders either, but that's a different post) And while I would never begin to guess what God's initial intention for the little varmint was, I don't imagine it was to be under the deck feasting on seed.

So, as I watch him struggle, I know that this afternoon he will be in raccoon paradise....the mud, the tall grass the little things that raccoons like to eat... whatever that would be. Maybe he will even catch up with his mom and brother. So I don't feel bad that he is so unhappy right now.

As for my friend (and I'm pretty sure you will read this today or tomorrow)...

Someone is on the way.

It's pretty clear to me that you feel trapped in the circumstances of life...both past and present. Life has put you in this cage and filled you with the lie that there is no way out...

Someone is on the way...

He is here.

He has his hands on the cage door and He is about to release you into the land He intended you to live in all your life.

I told you it will be hard. The raccoon is fighting hard against the very thing that will set him free! But we will walk through this with you and you will one day have a clear picture of how wide and how long, how deep and how high the love of God truly is.

The animal control people should be here soon.

God is already here....watch what happens.

Hmm...

2007-07-05T12:35:00.000-05:00

Just a thought....

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

NOT THREE!?!?!?

2007-07-02T07:29:00.000-05:00

Oh my gosh!!!! There are 3 of them. Masked bandits! The mom is in the cage and her 2 little babies are hanging close by...and it's 7 in the morning!!!! I "strongly disliked" this thief until I knew there were babies involved. Now I'm sad because the animal control posse
are on their way to pick her up. I doubt very seriously that the babies will follow their mom to the awaiting jail. This could be a sad day.

the Masked Bandit

2007-06-09T10:04:00.000-05:00

It looks like I owe an apology to the squirrels. Yes, the squirrels. For 2 or 3 weeks I've been angry with the furry little fellows for knocking my finch feeder off the deck rails and devouring all the seeds. I just couldn't figure out how the little varmints could climb on top of the overhead beams and knock the feeder off the nail. I moved it to a tree hook that is S shaped and I thought there was no way they could "lift" it off the severely curved bottom hook, only to find it in the morning on the ground (I must tell you that the thought of the squirrels winning this battle got me out of bed a couple of times much earlier than normal :0) No luck with that one...i just found the feeder on the ground under the bushes...empty. My next attempt was to put a nail in the original beam and bend it over the feeder's hanger and then nail the side of the head of the nail into the wood. Of course that would mean that every time I added seeds I would need a hammer and a stool to do so. But that would be OK as long as I win the war with the squirrel (some of you can identify with this personality trait I' m sure). Any luck ? Not so. Last night, while enjoying the Cardinal game on TV (well, at least the first 5 innings) I heard the feeder hit the deck....believe it or not there are some times I can move like Spiderman and that was one of them....my hope was to catch the squirrel in the act and get him with my mighty BB gun...(that's another story in itself, but yes, I do shoot squirrels with my BB gun). Lo and behold there was no squirrel...but a raccoon. It was hilarious....he came up to the door and looked at me and then went back to the seed covered deck floor as if I had put the stuff there just for him!!!! Yes I did open the door and fire off a couple of shots with my trusted arsenal and managed to keep him at bay for a little while, but this morning there was no sign of any seed left on the deck. What is a finch lover expected to do? Bring the feeder in at night? My poor little yellow friends are being deprived of nourishment at the hands of a masked bandit!

Is there a lesson in all of this? Certainly. Know with what or whom you are in battle with. Without the right armor and weapons your attempt is futile. When you are battling the enemy use the tools of the victor. The tools are described in Ephesians 6:10 and the enemy is identified in Eph 6:12. A war has been declared and a victory proclaimed!

Microwave Ministry

2007-06-06T14:50:00.000-05:00

God seems to be surrounding me with things I'm familiar with, yet struggle with for answers. While igniting the fire for godly marriages, He has brought marriages with bitter conflict into my awareness. Not only my awareness, but into a realm of ministry.

Most times I feel inadequate. I know the devastation from both the child of a marital battlefront and the spouse of a failed union. And I can't decide for whom I have the most compassion for, the children or the mom.

I know the power of God to bring into bloom a marriage that faced times when the world would have said to quit. It's not that I just know about those marriages, I've lived to experience it for myself. I really "get it" when I read that God's thoughts and His ways are higher than mine.

I wish I could uncover the truths that God has taught me over 20+ years to my friends in one sitting. Not just my friends....these are people that I know God has brought me to for such a time as this. Women that I've grown to love as if they were my own daughters. However, I feel helpless when they hurt...when I see them make mistakes and then have to walk with them as they pick up the pieces.

Isn't that how God feels about me? He tells me the truth and when I don't heed it, He walks with me as I pick up the pieces. How sad I must make Him sometimes. How sad I am that I've disappointed Him so.

This is not a microwave ministry. It takes years for marriages to end up in these predicaments. It may take years for healing. While patience is a fruit of the Spirit, it is certainly not something that comes naturally to me....
So, as I move ahead one step at a time with my Ladies, I seek God's hand for guidance. I pray that He will give me discernment in council and wisdom when they ask advice. I pray for them that they choose Him. I know He will never let them go, but I know the road less traveled, even though it seems the bigger risk, is certainly covered by One that loves them far more than I ever could.

When The Rubber Meets The Road

2007-04-25T18:33:00.000-05:00

As I've been telling you, my life is changing. And what these last 2, gosh, maybe it will be 3 this summer, years has shown me is that the thing we call life isn't really changing . Instead I think I am being transformed. Yes, I know some of you are smiling...because that is what it is about now, isn't it?

While I was busy looking for what was going to change around me, I had no clue about how so much would be transformed inside me. While some things are easier than others and some things take what seems like eons to come about, some things actually come up and smack me up side the head.

While I've been aware of God leading me to certain women for discipleship, while I think He is leading us to foster care, I've allowed Him to make my heart and my time available. "Available" has been my ministry, so to speak. Being ready for whatever He brings my way. Today I find He is not so quick to let me get comfortable in my understandings.

And intentionality. That has been my heart since experiencing the loss of Mrs. Ortmann. So I've really been looking at being, guess what? INTENTIONALLY AVAILABLE!

A couple of hours ago my 19 year old son called and asked if he could bring a friend, who has run into some hard times, home to live with us. My first question wasn't "What time are you going to be here?", no, my first question was "For how long?" Many things ran through my head before he got home to "discuss it". Let me tell you he was passionate about helping this young lady out. He was angry that she had been in need before and his CC group, to his understanding, had not been of any help. He was really upset about being a "Christian" and not helping out.

Yes, I must confess that I still wanted to discuss things like safety, trust, fear. But I knew that if Steve and I are to set an example to our, still impressionable, son, we had to go with God's word: "Whatever you do to the least of these, that you do unto me" . After I, or should I say, after the Holy Spirit reminded me of that Scripture (I'm sure I paraphrased it), He also challenged me with the verses that precede that one, which I'm sure I can't recall correctly, but these words were definitely included food, water, clothes and I'm thinking I got the general notion. (Obviously I should put that passage to memory :)

So here I find myself opening my home, not to foster care (as we understand it), or to women God brings into my life, but to a young adult women that God brought into the life of my son. Available. Intentional. And while my first impulse was that I couldn't qualify opening our home to needy children to my son, without opening our home to his friend,....available...intentional.....,I sit here now knowing that I open our home to Jesus, Himself. For He said, and again I paraphrase it, whenever we feed, clothe or give drink to anyone in need, we are doing those things to Him. Available....Intentional. Today I make myself intentionally available to that which God calls me, even though it's a little different than I had expected.

Her name is Charlotte. She goes to school with Zach. She is a full time student and works 2 jobs. Please pray for her and for our family as we serve God together.

Judy

For Steph

2007-03-29T15:42:00.000-06:00

Here you go kid...

Penny Lane
In Penny Lane there is a barber showing photographs
Of every head he's had the pleasure to know.
And all the people that come and go
Stop and say Hello!

On the corner there is a banker with a motorcar.
The little children laugh at him behind his back.
And the banker never wears a mac
In the pouring rain-very strange.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes.
There beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit, and meanwhile back

In Penny Lane there is a fireman with an hourglass
And in his pocket is a portrait of the Queen.
He likes to keep his fire engine clean,
It's a clean machine.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes,
A four of fish and finger pies
In summer meanwhile back

Behind the shelter in the middle of the roundabout
The pretty nurse is selling poppies from a tray.
And though she feels as if she's in a play
She is anyway.

In Penny Lane, the barber shaves another customer,
We see the banker sitting waiting for a trim
And then the fireman rushes in
From the pouring rain- very strange.

Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes,
There beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit, and meanwhile
Penny Lane is in my ears and in my eyes,
There beneath the blue suburban skies
I sit, and meanwhile...
Penny Lane

It Takes So Little!!!

2007-03-27T18:15:00.000-06:00

I'm back on!!!! It has taken me weeeekkks to figure out why I could not publish my "blog body". Got some great help and I'm back to posting! Now back to Idol!

What's In Your Cup?

2007-03-23T16:25:00.000-06:00

A group of alumni, highly established in their careers, were talking at a reunion and decided to go visit their old university professor, now retired. During their visit conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in their work and lives.

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went to the kitchen and returned with a large pot of coffee and an assortment of cups - porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal, some plain looking, some expensive, some exquisite - telling them to help themselves to the coffee.

When all the alumni had a cup of coffee in hand, the professor said, "Notice that all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones.
While it is normal for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In most cases it is just more expensive and in some cases even hides what we drink. What all of you really wanted was coffee, not the cup, but you consciously went for the best cups... and then you began eyeing each other's cups.

Now consider this: Life is the coffee; your job, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold and contain Life. The type of cup one has does not define, nor change the quality of Life a person lives. Sometimes, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee God has provided us. The happiest people don't have the best of everything. They just make the best of everything."

God brews the coffee, not the cups... Enjoy your coffee! Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Spend time with God over your coffee.

I Wonder

2007-02-27T23:31:00.000-06:00

You know, I love people. I always have. I have had very few "casual" friendships. As far back as grade school I can remember having a "best friend". I just love people. Now I think back on the people who have come and gone in my life. Most of whom I don't even get to see anymore. Some I don't have the priviledge of spending time with because of my own silly, no, stupid mistakes. My heart kind of longs for some of those people tonight.

After reading some thoughts of a former pastor, I wonder what has happened to all those other people I knew back then. I see how much he has grown. I see what life as we know it has strenghened him, how God has used some pretty tough times in his life to train him up to be such a wise man.

Why did I have to miss all that?

This afternoon I ran into a college age women (she recognized me, I would have never known her) who I used to watch run in races in the church gym on Awana nights. She is beautiful and I know her life has taught her much as she watched her mom suffer and eventually loose her life to cancer.

Why did I have to miss all that?

A friend is still healing from the loss of her husband...at 43...she's in Ohio. I'm not.

Why do I have to miss all that?

I love people. For so long I've kept myself out of the line of fire of broken hearts...and breaking hearts. I miss people. But sometimes it's just too risky. Today the possibility of pain is just too close.

I wonder what I'm missing?

To Know Him Is To Love Him

2007-02-26T10:17:00.000-06:00

My faith is not just a religious call to morality, but an active, deepening experiential knowledge of Him and His love. Out of that experience comes the desire for obedience to Him and a desire to please Him. Some may call that my religion. I call it my relationship with Jesus.

Ephesians 3:17-19
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide, how high, how long and how deep is the love of Christ and to know [by experience] this love that surpasses knowledge [head knowledge] that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Is That Sunshine???

2007-02-19T15:06:00.000-06:00

The sun is shinning! Has anyone noticed? I'd love to go out for a run but that would distract me from my housework...and that is a must. Today the upstairs...which gets it only...well, let's just say it needs less attention now that the kiddos don't live up here anymore. So, distracted by my computer, I take a break but now must get back to my craft room where the creation of family memories has left a wake of trash and stacks of scrapbook paraphernalia. Fortunately there are 2 nice big window with no coverings in here so I will not miss the sunshine!!!

Success of a dreary day

2007-02-12T16:13:00.000-06:00

What a dreary day!!!! But my house is clean (well, at least most of it) and my laundry is finished...and put away I might add...so all is well with the world. How sad is that to judge the state of the world by how clean your house is or if you have any clean clothes in the drawer?? But then again, maybe not. I love cleaning my house and believe it or not I love doing the laundry. I must admit that I don't ALWAYS get it back in the drawer. Sometimes we live out of the laundry basket. But I guess that's OK, too. So in the face of this dreary day a peace reigns in my home. God has been good to give us this warm, dry, beautiful home for over 21 years already. And I'm still called to take care of it for my family...and whoever else He has planned to bring my way. I'm looking forward to that. After reading our info from DFS about fostering I was delighted to learn that a foster family can take in a teenage mom and her baby...I think that would be awesome. And not only are foster families encouraged to maintain a relationship with the children's family, but they are required to. That was so exciting for me. I'm looking forward to using my home for the good of others. We just have to do the paperwork, take 30 hours of training classes and do all the home study stuff. They say it takes about 4 months to get the job done. Because of prior commitments it looks like we wont even be able to get the thing started until next September. But God's timing is perfect and I've learned not to step out ahead of Him even when I'm doing something for Him. So anyway.

HOW?

2007-02-04T10:25:00.000-06:00

Where to start...so many hows? Not quite so many whys or whens.

Paul...relating to the listener about THEIR lives...engaging them in conversation about things THEY were familiar with. Jesus Himself, with the Samaritan women at the well....He knew her life...He knew what it was like...He knew what she believed...He knew what her struggles were. Jesus was able to engage her in a conversation that would lead to the truth he wanted to share...life instead of death. Living Water instead of unsatisfying water. The key here is knowing the person or the people to whom you are going to be relating to.

So here is my question...if my passion is for women...mom's...with small children, struggling to make it either emotionally or spiritually (I probably wouldn't be so good on the finanial end ) how do I get to know their needs? How do I get to know their lives? I've lived my 22 years as a follower of Jesus Christ in a cacoon. I have a believeing husband, believing friends, believing children...how does a person like me learn the struggles of an abused woman? How does a woman like me learn the ins and outs of drug abuse or being evicted from your home? How does a woman like me walk into a shelter for women and be able to relate? I want to understand. I want to be able to empathize with the struggles, not just sympatize. So...HOW?

As we open our home to the foster care system I want to be ready. Will we get the opportunity to know the moms? Will we be able to understand the pain of a child in the middle of total upheaval? I don't know. I understand divorce...from both the child's and the adult's perspective...but even in that, there was no ...well, maybe there was. I understand alcoholism from a distant perspective. I've lived through a murder in the family...I've seen children taken from their mother by the state...I've helped a young teen pursue her childhood dreams...maybe that's a start.

I want to move in the direction of God's leading. I don't want to hesitate. My passion....my love for hurting women and their children is there. I would do it every day if the need arose. So how do I know them...or know about them so I can meet them where they are? How do I meet them where they are so Jesus can bring them to where He is? How?

....choices...

2007-01-24T09:54:00.000-06:00

Forgiveness is one thing...

Consequences is another.

Do you want to avoid the consequences?

Avoid the sin.

Some things don't need to be moderated.

They need to be stopped.

Isaiah 1: 16-17

.....stop doing wrong. Learn to do right!........

Judy, What do you believe?

2007-01-23T09:21:00.000-06:00

James 2:22
You see that his faith and his actions were working together and his faith was made complete by what he did. (NIV)

KJV translate the phrase 'his faith and his actions were working together' as 'his faith wrought with his works'

[faith]- pistis (pis-tis) that which you believe to be true; your system of beliefs

[wrought] -sunergeo (soon-erg-eh-o) to co-operate with and help with work;

companion in labor

[works] -ergon (er-gon) to toil; to act; deed; the result of employment

So (in reference to Abraham), his faith, or what he believed to be true about God,in fact, believing the promises that God had made him, was a companion with the things he did as a result of obedience to God.

I like the word wrought because it reminds me of wrought iron and how the metals are "melted" together for a purpose. Our "faith" has to be "melted" with our obedience to God's word in order to have the result that the last part of this verse talks about....

and his faith was made complete by what he did.

KJV translates the word complete as perfect

[faith] pistis

[perfect] teleioo (tel-i-o-o) to accomplish or to consummate in character (figurative); to

to make perfect by reaching the intended goal.

And this is my favorite part...What do I think of when I see the word consummate? There is only one definition in the English dictionary. So it says to me that what I believe and what I do because of what I believe are melted together as intrinsically as is the bond of marriage between a man and woman before God.

The intended goal for us is to DO what we BELIEVE. The intended goal is to have what we believe about God to be intrinsically woven into what we do.

Now, what am I going to do about it?